I wish I could've met James Baldwin. As I (slowly) continue to try and finish The Fire Next Time, which has become sort of an epiphanous reading for me, I find myself feeling like this man knew it. You know, the it that when someone speaks about it, people want to automatically discredit what is being said. Not because it isn't true, but because it IS true. James Baldwin spoke truth with every word he said, regardless of what it was that he was talking about. I can sit here and rattle off probably quite a few quotes but there is one that I recently came across that had me nodding my head as if I was listening to a heavy Nas verse:
"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all of the time."
This was in 1961, about 56 years ago. Circling back to my Nas comparison, the Queens MC spoke about police brutality on his debut album Illmatic in 1994 which was 23 years ago. It's 2017 and we still are deeply entrenched in the conversation of excessive force by police when it comes to Black and brown bodies. To be Black in America today, 56 years after Baldwin spoke those words, still means to be in a rage almost all of the time!
That is the realest quote I've ever read.
Why? Because it is so true. I know this rage. It comes from the overt racism I see everyday. It's everywhere. But it also comes from the mediums that try to tell me racism doesn't exist in our modern society. Any mention of racism is usually met with cynicism. When I read articles that make arguments such as "all Trump supporters aren't racist" or "protests by athletes during the national anthem is unpatriotic", I feel the rage that James Baldwin speaks about. It's almost as if we have to defend our right to point out and speak out against the injustices that we experience, as a whole and as individuals. With the recent events in Charlottesville and the subsequent rallies and counter protests, the subject of racism versus the preservation of culture and history seems to be a hot topic for those who are trying to defend America's racist past. When I hear arguments related to the removal of statues of Confederate "heroes" or hear statements like "I don't care about a statue, it doesn't mean anything" from white people (and a few Black people) I wonder if these people understand the trauma of racism. The I quickly realize that they don't. Part of that trauma is the rage that I and a lot of people like me find ourselves in all of the time. Imagine being told you aren't alive. You wake up everyday, get dressed, go to work, spend money, come home, have dinner, watch TV and eventually go to sleep. The next day, you pretty much do the same thing. This routine goes on for years, until one day, you run into a complete stranger and they tell you that you've been dead for the past decade, or longer. It's hard to believe because of the memories you have. In fact, you don't believe it, but everyone around you tells you the same thing every time you see them. Yes, you can touch them, they can touch you, you can taste the food you eat, feel the warmth of the sun; you feel emotions just the same as the people who are telling you that you don't really exist. That's what it feels like when I hear people saying racism doesn't exist today. It's obvious that it does and is stronger than ever.
So what can one do with this rage? When I think about this question, I think about the attitude that Malcolm X had early on in his role with the Nation of Islam and the attitude that Huey Newton and the Black Panthers had. They had this rage and they felt like they needed to use this rage to fuel their fight, to take what was rightfully ours, our rights as human beings, "by any means necessary" If that meant physically fighting those who burned crosses on their lawns, who firebombed their homes and churches, who sicked dogs on men, women and children, then so be it. But I also think of Martin Luther King's non-violent mindset as well. Both methods got results but, as I look at what is still transpiring today, I wonder has their effectiveness faded. What do we do to combat racism in 2017? In a world where our nation's first black president was supplanted by Donald Trump, how do we fight against a machine that seems to be designed to pacify black people by appearing to hear us, only to show us their social tone deafness? How do we channel this rage, even in the face of criticism from people who look just like us that don't agree with our outlook (see Son of Baldwin and the criticism he has received)?
I don't know.
"...to be in a rage almost all of the time..."
While writing this blog post, several events centered around racism have been in the news. Just recently, a video was released of a white police officer in Georgia telling a white female motorist he had just pulled over, who was afraid to put her hands down because "she had seen too many videos of cops", that they "only kill black people". He was telling her this to calm her down, to let her know that she wasn't in any danger, because she was white.
Think about that for a second.
Imagine how every black person in this country who saw that video felt when they heard that officer say "we only kill Black people, remember?" I know how I felt and how I feel every time I think about those words. That rage comes up. It makes me wonder how that cop would've replied if that was a Black person in the car, saying that they had seen too many videos of police shooting Black people. I remember being pulled over in Mississippi while visiting a friend back in 2014. This was shortly after the Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson, MO. While the car was being searched, I was admittedly nervous. I mean, I was a Black man from out of town in the deep South. As I stood there waiting, I guess my nervousness showed because I was tapping my leg with my left hand. The officer, who was a white male, asked why I was doing that and I responded "because I am nervous". The officer countered with "What do you have to be nervous about?" My response was "Do you really want to have that conversation?" Then, ironically, the Black officer (female) who was on the scene as well chimed in that it was probably due to the way police were being portrayed in the media at that time. I immediately said, "No, no, it has nothing to do with the media," and then quickly decided that I was going to leave it at that. The officers finished their search and let me and my passenger go shortly after that.
White people can't understand the rage that James Baldwin spoke about. And even though that white woman in Georgia was afraid of that police officer, I don't think even she truly understands our fear. But the police officers know that they instill this fear in us. That is another cause of the rage. That fear isn't out of cowardice, it is a fear of being gunned down for absolutely no reason other than because we are black. While I was deciding how I was going to end this post, I came across and article about NFL football player Michael Bennet of the Seattle Seahawks where he reported that he was held on the ground at gunpoint by Las Vegas police last month after the Floyd Mayweather-Conor McGregor fight. According to his statement, police apprehended him after hearing what they thought were gunshots. Video shows an officer with his knee in Bennett's back handcuffing him while the defensive end is asking the officer to explain why he was being handcuffed. Bennett further reported that before that another officer, with his gun drawn, had told him that he would blow his "fucking head off" if he moved. After he was cuffed, he was put into a police car and it wasn't until they confirmed who he was, an NFL football star, and that he was not a suspect that he was released. No explanation was given as to why he was subjected to such an excessive use of force.
In my opinion, I feel this is no coincidence, especially since Bennett has been very vocal in his support of Colin Kaepernick and has sat durning the national anthem during all four of the Seahawks' preseason games this year and has said he will continue to do so. But even if the officers didn't know who he was, there was still no justification for their actions. Bennett was unarmed and was in a crowd and ran just like everyone else did when they heard what was believed to be gunshots. Bennett said he "felt helpless" as he "lay on the ground handcuffed facing the real life threat of being killed." He continued, "All I could think of was I'm going to die for no other reason than I am black and my skin color is somehow a threat."
That's that fear. After the fear, comes the rage. A rage that for Black people, never goes away.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
The Narrative of Black Freedom in America
JAY-Z asked on his record with DJ Khaled I Got the Keys, "...how we still slaves in 2016?". Right before that, he rapped "...'til you own your own you can't be free." We live in an era where individual thought and uniqueness, while applauded I some circles, isn't really accepted by social norms. Some may say that this isn't an accurate depiction of our modern society. But when an artist like Solange drops an album that basically says fuck the social norms and gives a huge middle finger to racism and shaming, people are surprised, even if it is refreshingly so. Why? Because it's unexpected. It's expected that artists go with what's trendy to stay relevant. It's expected that people who aspire to be more than what society says they should be eventually fall in line. It's expected that people who are considered non-elite remain that way. It is expected that the oppressed never get a chance to rise above the oppressor. Slavery was legal during it's time, and therefore, if you were white and wealthy it was expected that you were to have slaves. A lot of them. The more slaves you had, the bigger display of your wealth. If you weren't wealthy and white, you were expected to be a slave. That's how Black men and women who were born free in northern states were able to be abducted, shipped down south and sold into slavery (i.e., the story of Solomon Northup) and no one asked questions. Today, while the physical enslavement of people in this country is no longer allowed and practiced legally, the question arises as to how the slave mentality of both the oppressed and oppressors still exists.
It's funny how JAY-Z works into the narrative here. A few weeks have passed since I first started this post and in that time, Jay released his thirteenth studio album 4:44. While a number of topics are openly addressed in the album, a common thread throughout is his feelings of how Black people can truly succeed in today's society. "Financial freedom" is a phrase repeated several times across different songs. He talks about establishing credit and investing. You get the feeling that he's grateful for not just amassing enough wealth so that his children and family will be well taken care of, but also for the knowledge that he's attained in regards to what this society offers Black people, especially artists and creatives. The opportunities are scarce, and with that comes what is often seen as "a Black clause"; the idea that whatever success you attain, it isn't your accomplishment. You were given access, you were allowed entry into the elite circles. There is a fine line that Black celebrities walk and at any given time, people like JAY-Z knows, the wealth, successes and acceptance can be taken away from you. In his song, The Story of OJ, his opening line is "I'm not Black, I'm OJ...okay", in reference to how OJ once responded to his popularity as a Black athlete. But the chorus to that song sums up what Black people as a whole, successful or otherwise, has known for centuries:
"Light nigga, dark nigga, faux nigga, real nigga/ rich nigga, poor nigga, house nigga, field nigga...still nigga...still nigga."
And this is the truth every Black person in our American society lives with. Unarmed Black teen shot by police? Still nigga. Number one golfer in the world? Still nigga. One of the best running backs in NFL history? Still nigga, especially since we let him off for a double murder of two white people. First Black president? Still. Nigga. Young Black man working his way up the corporate ladder to finance his aspirations of financial freedom as a writer, author and potential publisher? You get my point. In a society still ruled by white supremacy, there will always be boundaries that we are only allowed to cross. Once it is deemed that we no longer represent what this society will accept us as, since we are invited guests to the table as it were, they will remind us of what they view us as. Still niggers. And everyone, myself included, either get that nigger wake up call or they navigate their path under that distinction. To us, this is nothing new.
The Daily Show host Trevor Noah says, in the 4:44 short film that accompanies the streaming release of the album, that "success is still in many ways a synonym for white. And so once you attach successful to the black man, there's a little key that has been given to you that may give you access to the white world. The key can be taken away: Cosby, Tiger, etc. The key can be taken away. But at least you have the key for the time being." What struck me here was when he said "...but at least you have the key for the time being." You look at a man like Donald Trump, the (unbelievably?) 45th president of the United States, and you see how this works in white America. Aside from real estate and reality TV, Trump is synonymous with the words scandal, racist and possibly even rapist. Americans, wealthy and the not quite wealthy, have lost millions investing in his properties while he pimped the system to retain his wealth. He's made outright racists statements and has stood by them. He's alluded to his possible assaults on women. He's never known what discrimination feels like and he's never known what it feels like to go without. He lacks compassion and empathy for anyone who isn't like him and he has a despicable view of women in our society. And he's risen to the office of president, the most powerful office in the world! He was given a key, via a million dollars from his father when Trump was just starting out in the real estate business, and he has had it ever since. Barack Obama was given a key as well, by the powers that be. And while he did what is now being openly acknowledged as a remarkable job as president for 8 years, even that is only through the prism of what Trump is doing now. He had to be almost impeccable; and not just for his sake, but for every Black politician that may follow in his steps and every Black citizen that looks like him. Why? Because that key was on loan to him, ready to be snatched away at a moments notice, without explanation, without cause, without reason. He knew how accountability played a role in him being allowed to be president. White society still finds a way to blame him for things happening in our government even now after he has left office. Still nigger. Still. Nigger.
Recent events in my personal life has forced me to look at this reality a little deeper. As an author who still holds a regular job, I've been told that in order to advance I would have to be careful as to what I publicly post on social media sites and who I share my thoughts and opinions with. I've also been fortunate enough to be mentored by someone who understands "the game" and who cares enough not just about my success in the workplace, but otherwise as well. I am also fortunate enough to have a sister who knows all about the politics of corporate advancement when it comes to, well, us. I get that as Black people, we have to recognize that we don't get the passes that white people get. We may get one (we may get one!), but there's a whole lot that goes into us qualifying for even that one time. Which is why I can't stand behind compromising who I am so that I can catch a promotion here and there or even an opportunity to fast track my dreams as a writer by compromising my art and my opinions. Black people have been expected to compromise who they are from the very first day our shackled feet hit the shores of this country. Our struggle has been dramatized and trivialized. Our successes have been marginalized, just as we have been as a people. The advances that we have made have only occurred when society was deemed "ready". Our basic human rights were only allowed to us when society was "ready". Once we were allowed to seemingly coexist within a society that wasn't originally meant for us, but not as equals, those who spoke out were shot and killed. We are still literally viewed as threatening today, to the point where if an officer shoots and kills one of us the go to line is "I feared for my safety/ life" or the safety/ life of others. The usual result of no charges filed or no indictments has become so much the norm that it is expected. You go from broken to emotionless when you see so many people gunned down for nothing then disparaged so that the shooter, whether it be a white police officer or a white citizen, can be painted positively and the shooting justified. It's sickening. And it's the new normal.
So what's left for Black people in America? How can we attain a "freedom" that, essentially, already belongs to us as humans but still seems out of reach for all of us. JAY-Z talks about owning your own and financial freedom being our "only hope". I would like to think that is only just a part of it. I feel like part of what he said in "owning your own" means also owning who you are. In a society dominated by wealth, white wealth at that, not everyone can be wealthy. You don't have to amass a fortune to be able to not accept what society says your place is. Knowing who really are and being unafraid to be him or her, to me, is the start to the path of true freedom. That goes for anyone, no matter their color, race, gender, sexual orientation or whatever. Whatever limitations society throws on us, there are no bounds when we know and then we are who we are. Especially us! Don't suppress it, don't allow others to suppress and don't let anything you may be experiencing in life suppress it. JUST. BE. FREE.
Don't forget to check out my first published release Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit here on amazon.com and here on createspace.com. Also, check out this powerful book i am from a punch and a kiss by Marlanda Dekine aka Sapient Soul on her site unnamedonline.com .
It's funny how JAY-Z works into the narrative here. A few weeks have passed since I first started this post and in that time, Jay released his thirteenth studio album 4:44. While a number of topics are openly addressed in the album, a common thread throughout is his feelings of how Black people can truly succeed in today's society. "Financial freedom" is a phrase repeated several times across different songs. He talks about establishing credit and investing. You get the feeling that he's grateful for not just amassing enough wealth so that his children and family will be well taken care of, but also for the knowledge that he's attained in regards to what this society offers Black people, especially artists and creatives. The opportunities are scarce, and with that comes what is often seen as "a Black clause"; the idea that whatever success you attain, it isn't your accomplishment. You were given access, you were allowed entry into the elite circles. There is a fine line that Black celebrities walk and at any given time, people like JAY-Z knows, the wealth, successes and acceptance can be taken away from you. In his song, The Story of OJ, his opening line is "I'm not Black, I'm OJ...okay", in reference to how OJ once responded to his popularity as a Black athlete. But the chorus to that song sums up what Black people as a whole, successful or otherwise, has known for centuries:
"Light nigga, dark nigga, faux nigga, real nigga/ rich nigga, poor nigga, house nigga, field nigga...still nigga...still nigga."
And this is the truth every Black person in our American society lives with. Unarmed Black teen shot by police? Still nigga. Number one golfer in the world? Still nigga. One of the best running backs in NFL history? Still nigga, especially since we let him off for a double murder of two white people. First Black president? Still. Nigga. Young Black man working his way up the corporate ladder to finance his aspirations of financial freedom as a writer, author and potential publisher? You get my point. In a society still ruled by white supremacy, there will always be boundaries that we are only allowed to cross. Once it is deemed that we no longer represent what this society will accept us as, since we are invited guests to the table as it were, they will remind us of what they view us as. Still niggers. And everyone, myself included, either get that nigger wake up call or they navigate their path under that distinction. To us, this is nothing new.
The Daily Show host Trevor Noah says, in the 4:44 short film that accompanies the streaming release of the album, that "success is still in many ways a synonym for white. And so once you attach successful to the black man, there's a little key that has been given to you that may give you access to the white world. The key can be taken away: Cosby, Tiger, etc. The key can be taken away. But at least you have the key for the time being." What struck me here was when he said "...but at least you have the key for the time being." You look at a man like Donald Trump, the (unbelievably?) 45th president of the United States, and you see how this works in white America. Aside from real estate and reality TV, Trump is synonymous with the words scandal, racist and possibly even rapist. Americans, wealthy and the not quite wealthy, have lost millions investing in his properties while he pimped the system to retain his wealth. He's made outright racists statements and has stood by them. He's alluded to his possible assaults on women. He's never known what discrimination feels like and he's never known what it feels like to go without. He lacks compassion and empathy for anyone who isn't like him and he has a despicable view of women in our society. And he's risen to the office of president, the most powerful office in the world! He was given a key, via a million dollars from his father when Trump was just starting out in the real estate business, and he has had it ever since. Barack Obama was given a key as well, by the powers that be. And while he did what is now being openly acknowledged as a remarkable job as president for 8 years, even that is only through the prism of what Trump is doing now. He had to be almost impeccable; and not just for his sake, but for every Black politician that may follow in his steps and every Black citizen that looks like him. Why? Because that key was on loan to him, ready to be snatched away at a moments notice, without explanation, without cause, without reason. He knew how accountability played a role in him being allowed to be president. White society still finds a way to blame him for things happening in our government even now after he has left office. Still nigger. Still. Nigger.
Recent events in my personal life has forced me to look at this reality a little deeper. As an author who still holds a regular job, I've been told that in order to advance I would have to be careful as to what I publicly post on social media sites and who I share my thoughts and opinions with. I've also been fortunate enough to be mentored by someone who understands "the game" and who cares enough not just about my success in the workplace, but otherwise as well. I am also fortunate enough to have a sister who knows all about the politics of corporate advancement when it comes to, well, us. I get that as Black people, we have to recognize that we don't get the passes that white people get. We may get one (we may get one!), but there's a whole lot that goes into us qualifying for even that one time. Which is why I can't stand behind compromising who I am so that I can catch a promotion here and there or even an opportunity to fast track my dreams as a writer by compromising my art and my opinions. Black people have been expected to compromise who they are from the very first day our shackled feet hit the shores of this country. Our struggle has been dramatized and trivialized. Our successes have been marginalized, just as we have been as a people. The advances that we have made have only occurred when society was deemed "ready". Our basic human rights were only allowed to us when society was "ready". Once we were allowed to seemingly coexist within a society that wasn't originally meant for us, but not as equals, those who spoke out were shot and killed. We are still literally viewed as threatening today, to the point where if an officer shoots and kills one of us the go to line is "I feared for my safety/ life" or the safety/ life of others. The usual result of no charges filed or no indictments has become so much the norm that it is expected. You go from broken to emotionless when you see so many people gunned down for nothing then disparaged so that the shooter, whether it be a white police officer or a white citizen, can be painted positively and the shooting justified. It's sickening. And it's the new normal.
So what's left for Black people in America? How can we attain a "freedom" that, essentially, already belongs to us as humans but still seems out of reach for all of us. JAY-Z talks about owning your own and financial freedom being our "only hope". I would like to think that is only just a part of it. I feel like part of what he said in "owning your own" means also owning who you are. In a society dominated by wealth, white wealth at that, not everyone can be wealthy. You don't have to amass a fortune to be able to not accept what society says your place is. Knowing who really are and being unafraid to be him or her, to me, is the start to the path of true freedom. That goes for anyone, no matter their color, race, gender, sexual orientation or whatever. Whatever limitations society throws on us, there are no bounds when we know and then we are who we are. Especially us! Don't suppress it, don't allow others to suppress and don't let anything you may be experiencing in life suppress it. JUST. BE. FREE.
Don't forget to check out my first published release Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit here on amazon.com and here on createspace.com. Also, check out this powerful book i am from a punch and a kiss by Marlanda Dekine aka Sapient Soul on her site unnamedonline.com .
Friday, June 23, 2017
What Is Freedom? (Juneteenth 2017)
there is a warmth
in the sun kissed breeze
that caresses my face
and
this is a welcome reprieve
from what the reality
of my situation is
I wanted my freedom
not even knowing what
that really is
but I knew I needed it
but really, what is freedom?
is it power taken from the oppressor?
one's oppressor might differ from another
yours might be the slave master mentality
that still exudes from
melanin deficient souls
that shine up their boots everyday
making sure their soles
and heels
are always fresh
the better to keep them upon necks
of those destined to rise
but emancipation hasn't made it to them yet
is it the revelation
of the context of the word
asking oneself what's real,
fabricated or wholly non-existent?
well, if it is just context
then I guess you have it
I have it
everyone has it
except for those who
just haven't been able to reach
that level of
negro spiritual humming
while the Southern sun beats upon their backs
fingers leaving cotton streaked
with blood
pricked over and over and over again
each drop
leaking a little bit of freedom...
Is freedom real only if we believe it to be real
or is the mirage that well crafted?
see
mirages scare me
because they pop up
when you are most desperate
making you think you've found relief
under that hot sun
only to leave you
crawling on your hands and knees
begging a God you can't see
for your life
begging people you can see
for your livelihood
you
gasp for sustenance
only to get dirt in your mouth
mixed in with the water they gave you
as they wait for you to say
'Thank You'
gratitude for a life
that was always supposed to be yours
grace in reception of their so called grace
bowed heads
and shattered souls
due to thoughts of returning
whence you came from
yeah, it's scary when you think about it
8 years of a mirage
8 years of what they called freedom
8 years of Black young men and women
being gunned down
sacrificial lambs
offered up
so that we could think change was possible
only to be Trumped now
you see, they held that hole card
we knew it was there
but some of us believed it wouldn't be played
not that overtly, right?
I mean, we were used to covert tactics
we'd come to see them more clearly
surely
they couldn't right?
Right?
Right?
Wrong…they could
they did
and now, every single person
who ever thought
that what those melanin deficient folks
told us freedom was
was what it was
knows now what it is...
the question is
Is that what it is, to you?
These are the thoughts
that escapes black souls
as they hang from trees
while the sun kissed breeze
flows over their bodies
all because they wanted
what was already theirs to begin with...
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Tha Madness (has no ending)
distractions
that is all we have
to give us the illusion
that we aren't going mad
bullets tear through
the flesh of young men
and women
and we automatically
revert back to the darkness
dark as our skin
dark as the officer's uniforms
dark as the night
and days
that witness what will ultimately
drive us mad
again
and again
and
again
deep breath
officer's word
against witnesses
taken as doctrine
until proof
proves
murder
occurred
from those commissioned
to protect and serve
protect and serve
I said protect and serve
protect this society
and serve up executions
in the name of lies
already thought of
just in case
when will it stop?
parents ask
brothers ask
sisters ask
wives ask
husbands ask
strangers ask
the masses ask
when will it stop?
and the response
is deafening silence
until more shots ring out
another son
another daughter
another mother
another father
another niece
another nephew
another cousin
another neighbor
another friend
torn from this world
and plastered upon headlines
and minds eyes
of those
subject to the madness
that some say is fabricated
through
self serving movements
dedicated to causes
we all should deem as worthy
what matters to you?
what matters to the souls
witnessing the death
of their brother
right next to them
in front of them
gun smoke billowing out
from the head
from the body
of yet another young life
they'll call it an accident
again
they'll paint the victim
as the aggressor
again
and the officer
as a dedicated lawman or woman
who feared for their life
again
with all that taxpayer paid training
they'll say they were afraid
again
they will be charged
or not charged
again
the divide will be cast
again
and the debate will rage
again
we will march and protest
again
we will riot
again
we will wait for justice
again
we will be outraged
again
because again
we will not have to wonder how
such a miscarriage of justice
could occur again
again
we will self medicate
seek therapy
mourn and grieve for the families
try to educate
loved ones
again
with a maniacal
fervency
because insanity
has taken control of us
we
wait for different results
doing it the same way
over
and over
and over, yet again
we
pray
we
hope
hoping that one day
it'll just stop
but we know it won't
it could be us next time
or our child
our brother
our sister
our mother
our father
our niece
our nephew
our neighbor
our friend
this is madness
involuntarily subjects
to the human experiment
where the dead
are judged
and the killers
are deemed innocent
by default
because of who they are
what they wear
and what they look like
interesting, huh?
we're being killed out here
for those same exact reasons...
that is all we have
to give us the illusion
that we aren't going mad
bullets tear through
the flesh of young men
and women
and we automatically
revert back to the darkness
dark as our skin
dark as the officer's uniforms
dark as the night
and days
that witness what will ultimately
drive us mad
again
and again
and
again
deep breath
officer's word
against witnesses
taken as doctrine
until proof
proves
murder
occurred
from those commissioned
to protect and serve
protect and serve
I said protect and serve
protect this society
and serve up executions
in the name of lies
already thought of
just in case
when will it stop?
parents ask
brothers ask
sisters ask
wives ask
husbands ask
strangers ask
the masses ask
when will it stop?
and the response
is deafening silence
until more shots ring out
another son
another daughter
another mother
another father
another niece
another nephew
another cousin
another neighbor
another friend
torn from this world
and plastered upon headlines
and minds eyes
of those
subject to the madness
that some say is fabricated
through
self serving movements
dedicated to causes
we all should deem as worthy
what matters to you?
what matters to the souls
witnessing the death
of their brother
right next to them
in front of them
gun smoke billowing out
from the head
from the body
of yet another young life
they'll call it an accident
again
they'll paint the victim
as the aggressor
again
and the officer
as a dedicated lawman or woman
who feared for their life
again
with all that taxpayer paid training
they'll say they were afraid
again
they will be charged
or not charged
again
the divide will be cast
again
and the debate will rage
again
we will march and protest
again
we will riot
again
we will wait for justice
again
we will be outraged
again
because again
we will not have to wonder how
such a miscarriage of justice
could occur again
again
we will self medicate
seek therapy
mourn and grieve for the families
try to educate
loved ones
again
with a maniacal
fervency
because insanity
has taken control of us
we
wait for different results
doing it the same way
over
and over
and over, yet again
we
pray
we
hope
hoping that one day
it'll just stop
but we know it won't
it could be us next time
or our child
our brother
our sister
our mother
our father
our niece
our nephew
our neighbor
our friend
this is madness
involuntarily subjects
to the human experiment
where the dead
are judged
and the killers
are deemed innocent
by default
because of who they are
what they wear
and what they look like
interesting, huh?
we're being killed out here
for those same exact reasons...
Friday, February 3, 2017
#mainedestiny
This piece was inspired by a few things, but most notably, realizing that I was placing my dreams on hold by unrealistic expectations not becoming manifest and the headspace I let that occupy...and also an impromptu conversation I had from an unexpected source...I hope they realize who they are when they read this...thanks for those few moments you took to inspire me, even though you didn't know you were at the time...
Well, this wasn't exactly how you planned it
is it?
timelines never work out
and
you never was much of a
by the numbers individual
so,
fuck the years you lost
tryna get here
you are here
as the universe planned it...
destination?
check!
scenery just as you'd imagined it
as a young writer
trying to mend a broken heart
that would break again
well into your adulthood
go ahead, sip your Sailor Jerry
from the white mug
your sister gave you
for Christmas
that year your dreams were fulfilled
that 36th chamber
those same dreams
that got you right here
on your porch
watching whales
not privy to your presence
not privy to the fact
that
they're the ones that inspired you
maybe even the same ones
your brother saw
when you came up with this
cockamamie idea
of ending up here
yeah
it's a little chilly out here
so
roll the collar up on that shawl neck
cable knit sweater you thought
the love of your life
would've knit for you
but
you had to settle for the Ralph Lauren one
you saw online
buying it just as a reminder
of where you were headed
motivation comes in all forms
and even though you let a few forms
slip by you
as you navigated the
turbulent tides that almost
kept you from getting here
realize
the tides that did actually get you here
crashed upon you just the same
so, maybe you should write her a letter
thanking her a little later on...
but for now
feel the cold Maine air
brush against your cheeks
that hold a little more gray hairs
now
yes, you're really here
your sister called about an hour ago
and said she was on her way
she said not to worry about
coming to pick her up
she'd take a taxi
from the airport
'cus she wanted to see you
as she rode up your driveway
standing on the porch
she always knew you would stand on
she prayed that you would
see your vision through
God's favor fell upon her
and maybe just enough of it
rubbed off on you
so, make sure a day doesn't go by
that you thank Him at least once
for her
Mom and Pop called the other day
and they were proud
despite you being so far away now
Pop joked that he thought you'd
never get out of their house
and you agreed that you never thought so either
ya'll talked about them moving here with you
but "you know how ya' mama is"
is how Pop replied
so you'd leave it at that
for now, you said to yourself
go ahead...plan to talk to her again
in a few days
No, this isn't
exactly how you planned things
this space feels so empty
from time to time
this was never supposed to be
a place for one
this was never just supposed to
be a house
it was meant to be a home
and maybe it still can be
but don't focus on that right now
focus on the mail that you have to
walk a quarter mile down
that gravel filled driveway
you swear you're gonna get paved
one day
see the address
go ahead
take another few sips from your mug
and remember everything
the highs
the lows
the nights anxiety nearly suffocated you
those early mornings you and insomnia
agreed to disagree
remember the phone calls
and text messages that flooded silent nights
and then suddenly stopped
remember your 1st book
then your 2nd
remember the novel detailing this journey
of yours
remember friends and confidants
that told you things you needed to hear
but almost always didn't want to
remember that kid
who vowed to never fall in love again
only to have love give him
what he never knew he needed
purpose
drive
motivation
inspiration
yes, love is the muse
you resisted for so long
only to have it assist you
getting to your destiny
so remember that, too
when you sit down in your office
pour you another helping
of your favorite rum
and open up your laptop
to pen your next piece
your next chapter
look out your window and see
the whales signaling your arrival
you are finally here...home
Well, this wasn't exactly how you planned it
is it?
timelines never work out
and
you never was much of a
by the numbers individual
so,
fuck the years you lost
tryna get here
you are here
as the universe planned it...
destination?
check!
scenery just as you'd imagined it
as a young writer
trying to mend a broken heart
that would break again
well into your adulthood
go ahead, sip your Sailor Jerry
from the white mug
your sister gave you
for Christmas
that year your dreams were fulfilled
that 36th chamber
those same dreams
that got you right here
on your porch
watching whales
not privy to your presence
not privy to the fact
that
they're the ones that inspired you
maybe even the same ones
your brother saw
when you came up with this
cockamamie idea
of ending up here
yeah
it's a little chilly out here
so
roll the collar up on that shawl neck
cable knit sweater you thought
the love of your life
would've knit for you
but
you had to settle for the Ralph Lauren one
you saw online
buying it just as a reminder
of where you were headed
motivation comes in all forms
and even though you let a few forms
slip by you
as you navigated the
turbulent tides that almost
kept you from getting here
realize
the tides that did actually get you here
crashed upon you just the same
so, maybe you should write her a letter
thanking her a little later on...
but for now
feel the cold Maine air
brush against your cheeks
that hold a little more gray hairs
now
yes, you're really here
your sister called about an hour ago
and said she was on her way
she said not to worry about
coming to pick her up
she'd take a taxi
from the airport
'cus she wanted to see you
as she rode up your driveway
standing on the porch
she always knew you would stand on
she prayed that you would
see your vision through
God's favor fell upon her
and maybe just enough of it
rubbed off on you
so, make sure a day doesn't go by
that you thank Him at least once
for her
Mom and Pop called the other day
and they were proud
despite you being so far away now
Pop joked that he thought you'd
never get out of their house
and you agreed that you never thought so either
ya'll talked about them moving here with you
but "you know how ya' mama is"
is how Pop replied
so you'd leave it at that
for now, you said to yourself
go ahead...plan to talk to her again
in a few days
No, this isn't
exactly how you planned things
this space feels so empty
from time to time
this was never supposed to be
a place for one
this was never just supposed to
be a house
it was meant to be a home
and maybe it still can be
but don't focus on that right now
focus on the mail that you have to
walk a quarter mile down
that gravel filled driveway
you swear you're gonna get paved
one day
see the address
go ahead
take another few sips from your mug
and remember everything
the highs
the lows
the nights anxiety nearly suffocated you
those early mornings you and insomnia
agreed to disagree
remember the phone calls
and text messages that flooded silent nights
and then suddenly stopped
remember your 1st book
then your 2nd
remember the novel detailing this journey
of yours
remember friends and confidants
that told you things you needed to hear
but almost always didn't want to
remember that kid
who vowed to never fall in love again
only to have love give him
what he never knew he needed
purpose
drive
motivation
inspiration
yes, love is the muse
you resisted for so long
only to have it assist you
getting to your destiny
so remember that, too
when you sit down in your office
pour you another helping
of your favorite rum
and open up your laptop
to pen your next piece
your next chapter
look out your window and see
the whales signaling your arrival
you are finally here...home
Saturday, January 14, 2017
All Hail to the Chief: Goodbye, Mr. President
Before I get started, I'd like to encourage you to read the article linked below. It's quite long and I am actually still reading it as I am penning this blog. But it, so far, is a very insightful look into Barack Obama, President. It's written by one of my favorite authors, Ta-Nehisi Coates, author of Between the World and Me.
My President Was Black
As January 20th approaches and we get ready to transition to the Donald Trump presidency, I can't help but wonder how things may change for Black people over the next four years. As I looked through my Instagram feed the day after Obama's farewell speech, many of those I follow expressed how much they admired the President and the First Lady. I felt the need to post my own tribute as well. What I noticed is that many people weren't just posting or expressing their feelings about Obama, the President. What touched them the most was the relationship that Barack and Michelle displayed so openly, one of support, of loyalty, of strength, of love. It came across as genuine, something not seen too often amongst public figures, especially amongst politicians. I think that is something that many Black Americans were drawn to in their admiration of the First Couple. I know it was something I was drawn to.
Some people on my feed bristled at the attention all us black folk were giving the Obamas. After all, these were "celebrities" that everyone was getting worked up over. Barack and Michelle don't know us, and we don't know them. They're going to go back to Chicago or stay in D.C. and go on living their life and we'll go back to or lives, filling the space some of us have for them with the pissed off angst that many of us will have for Trump and his rhetoric. But I think there is one thing that gets lost in this whole dynamic: We will more than likely never see this again.
Will we one day have another Black president? Maybe. I don't think that will come anytime soon because under the 8 years that Obama has held office, I think society has dictated that this was a once in a lifetime event. You know the saying, "everybody gets their one"? I feel like the actual election of Donald Trump was the American public saying that to Black America. They gave us our 'one', and now Trump is their path back to normalcy. White America is back with a vengeance, giving us our one so we can shut up our talk of a racist America. This is the America they want and this is the America they shall have. "Let history record that we gave you one, though!", is what I hear when I see Trump preparing for his upcoming 4 year term.
The politics of it all, was very interesting over the last eight years. Conversation on the ground was even more interesting, with white people going from pissed off that a Black person was president to hailing the day another white man would take his place. When he as re-elected, it seemed the countdown began to the day when the Obamas would leave office. There would be no more history to be made (aside from the type of history a country makes when they elect someone like Donald Trump to be president). No more progress with electing a much more qualified (and white!) woman into office. No, our country went full anti Obama and they were proud of it on election night. This was America taking it's country back! I had one of my coworkers say "It took us eight years to get a new president.", while another said that Trump was exactly what this country needed to get back on track. I've heard people say things like "It's a shame what has happened to free speech over the last eight years". I've even heard people blame Obama for the rash of police and other shootings against unarmed Black people that occurred, saying his rhetoric made race a divisive issue in this country. What I never heard from any of these people? The truth about the things that Obama was actually able to do, in spite of the major resistance and down right refusal to cooperate he experienced from his fellow lawmakers. I never heard my white counterparts express sadness over the rash of police brutality. I never heard reason. All I heard were reasons why they felt Obama was to blame.
Obama was the best of the best, as is often required by Black people when they are chosen for high regarded positions. He was often criticized for his interpretation of the constitution, even though, as a president that held a law degree and taught constitutional law, his understanding of the constitution was pretty clear. While it's true he did bend in some areas where a lot of us would have preferred to see him stand firm, those areas in which he held tight were major legislative changes that benefitted many Americans, Black and white. He stood for the people when tragedies occurred, he spoke out against wrongful actions and, when the need arose, he spoke for those who's voices were squelched for one reason or another. He walked a fine line between white and Black America but not once did he leave his Blackness outside of his presidency. He embraced it without being threatening. He governed in his Black body without ever having to compromise his Blackness. He made a lot of people believe that this country could and would change, mainly because he believed he was an example of that change. Obama really believed in America, as Coates noted in the article above, especially when he plainly stated, regarding a possible Trump presidency, that Trump couldn't win.
For a moment, I believed in America, too. When I voted for Barack Obama, that was the first time I had ever voted. I didn't want to vote for Obama, just because he was Black. so I checked out the other candidates and what they stood for. I remember telling my parent's, who don't vote, that I felt the need to vote because I couldn't live in a country where Sarah Palin could possibly become president. So I voted for Obama because I felt his message and I believed if he actually was elected and allowed to serve a full term as president, then maybe this country was changing. Eight years later, I now see that this country wasn't ready for that type of change and that it was never intended for this country to change. Obama knows it now, even though I think he may still believe it can change. While white America may feel like Obama's sometimes candid discussions on race lead to a more divisive climate, I think the racial divide became wider as a response to his presidency. White people with issues against minorities felt threatened by what they thought was a social shift that would no longer have them at an advantage. Those insecurities played out violently in some cases and when Black America reacted in outrage, protest and, in some cases, riots, we were looked upon as savages. Our motives were questioned, our tactics were marginalized and called unpatriotic. When we spoke up for our lives, we were called reverse racists. We were told not to discuss politics at work and whenever tragedies occurred that involved people that looked like us, it seemed at time that we were the only ones outraged. We talked about those issues amongst ourselves, while our white counterparts avoided any dialogue when things happened. There were no moments of solidarity when Dylan Roof murdered the Charleston 9. No one came by my desk and said anything in support. But I watched as many people stopped the officers I worked with and thanked them "for what you do"days after each shooting incident involving an unarmed Black person. I couldn't help but feel like I was being slapped in the face every time that happened, right next to me at times.
So our nation's first Black president will soon be a historical reference. His beautiful wife and two daughters will leave their mark on this country's history, for good. Obama will eventually be noted as one of our country' greatest presidents, as he rightfully should be. In pure comparison to where we were eight years ago, you cannot dispute that we are in a much better position economically than we were when George W. Bush left office. There are other things that we as a nation still have much work to do. It can be said that we have regressed as a nation when it comes to racial and social issues, but that is only true if you really believe real progress has been made. Having a Black person serve eight years as president in this country might seem like progress to some of us, but when you look at everything that has occurred over those eight years, can we really call this progress? Electing Donald Trump shows me this country has really never moved forward, but that it has made some concessions and allowances along the way.
My President Was Black
As January 20th approaches and we get ready to transition to the Donald Trump presidency, I can't help but wonder how things may change for Black people over the next four years. As I looked through my Instagram feed the day after Obama's farewell speech, many of those I follow expressed how much they admired the President and the First Lady. I felt the need to post my own tribute as well. What I noticed is that many people weren't just posting or expressing their feelings about Obama, the President. What touched them the most was the relationship that Barack and Michelle displayed so openly, one of support, of loyalty, of strength, of love. It came across as genuine, something not seen too often amongst public figures, especially amongst politicians. I think that is something that many Black Americans were drawn to in their admiration of the First Couple. I know it was something I was drawn to.
Some people on my feed bristled at the attention all us black folk were giving the Obamas. After all, these were "celebrities" that everyone was getting worked up over. Barack and Michelle don't know us, and we don't know them. They're going to go back to Chicago or stay in D.C. and go on living their life and we'll go back to or lives, filling the space some of us have for them with the pissed off angst that many of us will have for Trump and his rhetoric. But I think there is one thing that gets lost in this whole dynamic: We will more than likely never see this again.
Will we one day have another Black president? Maybe. I don't think that will come anytime soon because under the 8 years that Obama has held office, I think society has dictated that this was a once in a lifetime event. You know the saying, "everybody gets their one"? I feel like the actual election of Donald Trump was the American public saying that to Black America. They gave us our 'one', and now Trump is their path back to normalcy. White America is back with a vengeance, giving us our one so we can shut up our talk of a racist America. This is the America they want and this is the America they shall have. "Let history record that we gave you one, though!", is what I hear when I see Trump preparing for his upcoming 4 year term.
The politics of it all, was very interesting over the last eight years. Conversation on the ground was even more interesting, with white people going from pissed off that a Black person was president to hailing the day another white man would take his place. When he as re-elected, it seemed the countdown began to the day when the Obamas would leave office. There would be no more history to be made (aside from the type of history a country makes when they elect someone like Donald Trump to be president). No more progress with electing a much more qualified (and white!) woman into office. No, our country went full anti Obama and they were proud of it on election night. This was America taking it's country back! I had one of my coworkers say "It took us eight years to get a new president.", while another said that Trump was exactly what this country needed to get back on track. I've heard people say things like "It's a shame what has happened to free speech over the last eight years". I've even heard people blame Obama for the rash of police and other shootings against unarmed Black people that occurred, saying his rhetoric made race a divisive issue in this country. What I never heard from any of these people? The truth about the things that Obama was actually able to do, in spite of the major resistance and down right refusal to cooperate he experienced from his fellow lawmakers. I never heard my white counterparts express sadness over the rash of police brutality. I never heard reason. All I heard were reasons why they felt Obama was to blame.
Obama was the best of the best, as is often required by Black people when they are chosen for high regarded positions. He was often criticized for his interpretation of the constitution, even though, as a president that held a law degree and taught constitutional law, his understanding of the constitution was pretty clear. While it's true he did bend in some areas where a lot of us would have preferred to see him stand firm, those areas in which he held tight were major legislative changes that benefitted many Americans, Black and white. He stood for the people when tragedies occurred, he spoke out against wrongful actions and, when the need arose, he spoke for those who's voices were squelched for one reason or another. He walked a fine line between white and Black America but not once did he leave his Blackness outside of his presidency. He embraced it without being threatening. He governed in his Black body without ever having to compromise his Blackness. He made a lot of people believe that this country could and would change, mainly because he believed he was an example of that change. Obama really believed in America, as Coates noted in the article above, especially when he plainly stated, regarding a possible Trump presidency, that Trump couldn't win.
For a moment, I believed in America, too. When I voted for Barack Obama, that was the first time I had ever voted. I didn't want to vote for Obama, just because he was Black. so I checked out the other candidates and what they stood for. I remember telling my parent's, who don't vote, that I felt the need to vote because I couldn't live in a country where Sarah Palin could possibly become president. So I voted for Obama because I felt his message and I believed if he actually was elected and allowed to serve a full term as president, then maybe this country was changing. Eight years later, I now see that this country wasn't ready for that type of change and that it was never intended for this country to change. Obama knows it now, even though I think he may still believe it can change. While white America may feel like Obama's sometimes candid discussions on race lead to a more divisive climate, I think the racial divide became wider as a response to his presidency. White people with issues against minorities felt threatened by what they thought was a social shift that would no longer have them at an advantage. Those insecurities played out violently in some cases and when Black America reacted in outrage, protest and, in some cases, riots, we were looked upon as savages. Our motives were questioned, our tactics were marginalized and called unpatriotic. When we spoke up for our lives, we were called reverse racists. We were told not to discuss politics at work and whenever tragedies occurred that involved people that looked like us, it seemed at time that we were the only ones outraged. We talked about those issues amongst ourselves, while our white counterparts avoided any dialogue when things happened. There were no moments of solidarity when Dylan Roof murdered the Charleston 9. No one came by my desk and said anything in support. But I watched as many people stopped the officers I worked with and thanked them "for what you do"days after each shooting incident involving an unarmed Black person. I couldn't help but feel like I was being slapped in the face every time that happened, right next to me at times.
So our nation's first Black president will soon be a historical reference. His beautiful wife and two daughters will leave their mark on this country's history, for good. Obama will eventually be noted as one of our country' greatest presidents, as he rightfully should be. In pure comparison to where we were eight years ago, you cannot dispute that we are in a much better position economically than we were when George W. Bush left office. There are other things that we as a nation still have much work to do. It can be said that we have regressed as a nation when it comes to racial and social issues, but that is only true if you really believe real progress has been made. Having a Black person serve eight years as president in this country might seem like progress to some of us, but when you look at everything that has occurred over those eight years, can we really call this progress? Electing Donald Trump shows me this country has really never moved forward, but that it has made some concessions and allowances along the way.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
2017: A New Year for Continuance?
con-tin-u-ance
1. formal
the state of remaining in existence or operation
the extent of continuing
the quality of enduring
We all know how much of struggle 2016 has been for many of us. On so many levels, many of us experienced tragedies with the loss of loved ones or life changing events. We often look to the new year and say "This is gonna be my year", or variations of "I'm gonna leave this past year behind me". While there are years that we do make significant progress from the year before, many times we find ourselves repeating some of the same habits and mistakes that we vowed to work on in the new year. Does that mean we are bound to our flaws and that we are destined for another year of struggles? Does that mean the happiness we seek is unattainable? I don't think so.
I am by no means a motivational speaker. But I do see and pay attention to what I say to myself and post on social media as well as what others post and say to me in conversation. I don't think I have ever tried to make a New Year's resolution. I personally feel like doing so sets me up for failure. I struggle with continuous forward movement because, personally, I have a few regrets that I just can't shake. I find myself often pining over mistakes that I have made and opportunities that I have missed. If I had to chose a fatal flaw of mine, it would be that I seriously lack motivation sometimes. In trying to find new ways to motivate myself, I often look back on the pain that I harbor due to my past. I've come to find out that it eventually works but the time it takes, the agony and stress that I experience within the process ends up really not being worth it in most cases. The only time I feel like it was worth it was when I (finally!) released my book, Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit. In retrospect, that process cost me way more emotionally and otherwise than I was prepared to sacrifice. In the end, though, it is what it is. All I can do is learn from the experience, accept the fact that things are the way they are in some regards and hope that whatever amends that can be made, I am given the opportunity to do so.
But what does all that have to do with the new year and new beginnings? I think what happens when we try to "make new beginnings" is that we try to reinvent ourselves under this extremely crazy deadline of "a new year". While many, including myself, will lean towards better habits, exercising more, drinking less, etc., sometimes we forget that these are life changing events that really can't be realistically imposed starting on the 1st. Some succeed in making it happen. I for one have never succeeded in that regard. For me to reach the milestone that was the release of my book, I actually had to give myself a relaxed deadline of an entire year to say I wanted this to happen. I called this past year, my 36th, my own personal "36th Chamber" in reference to my admiration and affinity for my favorite hip-hop group, The Wu Tang Clan. There is a long explanation of what the 36th chamber is and for that explanation in regards to the old kung fu flick, you can follow this link. The short version is that the 36th chamber was a new chamber that a student, who had progressed through the 35 chambers of his martial arts training relatively quickly, wanted to create to teach martial arts to commoners. In my case, I looked at the 36th chamber as a moment of personal achievement, the point in my life where it was time for me to make the leap that I had been saying for too long that I wanted to. I turned 36 on October 1st, 2015 and by June 8th, 2016, my first book was published. That was the first thing I set out to do, other than releasing an independent hip hop album in 2005 at 25, that I saw through to it's fruition. 10 years later, might I add, lol!!!!
2016 was tough for a lot of us. Many of my close friends, co-workers and those in my extended poet/ artist family experienced tragic losses of family members and friends. I tried my best to not leave 2016 with a bad taste in my mouth. I wanted to continue on the path that I had traveled in 2016, although that path wasn't entirely as awesome as the release of my book. That truly was the highlight of my year, but as I mentioned earlier, the process to get to that point wasn't ideal. While there are sacrifices that need to be made to achieve anything of substance, you have to weigh the costs of those sacrifices and the impact that those sacrifices will have on you and those who love and care about you, and be ready to deal with the fallout. You have to own the decisions you make, good or bad and accept the consequences, again, good and bad. I came to the realization, as I reflected on 2016 alone at home New Year's Eve, that my 2016 was a direct result of how I chose to deal with certain things. I had good moments and bad moments, but most of those bad moments consisted of me making decisions and then agonizing over the things that occurred due to those decisions. Most of that came from indecisiveness in sticking to some of the things I felt I needed to do. Some of the agony came from not being able to accept some of those decisions, in that I couldn't control the outcome of said decisions. A good portion of the negative things I went though was me being pissed that I was allowing some things I had experienced to affect me to the point where I was dormant creatively, with a book on deck, trying to find ways to market and push the book, but finding myself not doing anything that I needed to do because my mind, heart and spirit wasn't right. I was completely responsible for that and the acknowledgement of that only motivated me in spurts. I allowed myself to be consumed by my own bullshit, and the acknowledgement of that kept me less than motivated more times than not.
Fortunately, I have people that noticed me going through something, reached out to me and encouraged me to fight through the funk that I fell into, due to negative situations that I had created. My sister, friends, my manager at work and others who knew of what I wanted to accomplish, pushed me to just talk, or sometimes, just listen to the advice they had to give. Some offered me books to read (Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates was a major mentality booster), others encouraged me to try different methods of meditation and refection, while others "forced" me to face my role in my own struggles. There were plenty of nights that I laid awake just trying to sift through what was going on. Weeks went by that I didn't sleep for more than an hour or two a night, at best. I had struggles at work, just trying to be there and be effective. Relationships with some people deteriorated and I questioned relationships that I found myself trying to cultivate. I found myself in the house many days doing absolutely nothing productive at all. I found ways to try to escape my thoughts and feelings but all those things did was enhance the anxiety, the worry, the over thinking. I am by no means out of the woods when it comes to a lot of these things, but I am truly looking to 2017 to continue in the work that friends like Marlanda 'Sapient Soul' Dekine, Shemu'el Namaste, Lindsey 'Flower' Stevens, Davelyn Hill, Scott Neely and Crystal Irby feel like I can be a part of. I want to be able to mend some of the broken relationships that I have and not allow things out of my control to hinder me from achieving what I feel is my destiny, to restrict my walk on my path. I want to be able to freely admit my flaws and openly express myself without hesitation. I want to follow through on my commitments much better than I currently do and I want to leave a lasting impression on each and every person that I meet or who reads my work. But most of all, I want to live free. Completely free.
So, am I about to make a New Year's resolution? Maybe, but I would like to think this is a life resolution that I feel like I laid the groundwork for starting on October 1st, 2015. 2016 was a learning experience for me, hands down. I believe 2017 can be, not a starting point for me but a continuation upon what I feel is the growth that I truly need to continue to get to where I see myself as a writer an artist but above all, a person. I want to always be in a position where I am always creating, always writing, always influencing, always living and working in the moment. I want everything I went through in 2016 to have been worth it.
1. formal
the state of remaining in existence or operation
the extent of continuing
the quality of enduring
We all know how much of struggle 2016 has been for many of us. On so many levels, many of us experienced tragedies with the loss of loved ones or life changing events. We often look to the new year and say "This is gonna be my year", or variations of "I'm gonna leave this past year behind me". While there are years that we do make significant progress from the year before, many times we find ourselves repeating some of the same habits and mistakes that we vowed to work on in the new year. Does that mean we are bound to our flaws and that we are destined for another year of struggles? Does that mean the happiness we seek is unattainable? I don't think so.
I am by no means a motivational speaker. But I do see and pay attention to what I say to myself and post on social media as well as what others post and say to me in conversation. I don't think I have ever tried to make a New Year's resolution. I personally feel like doing so sets me up for failure. I struggle with continuous forward movement because, personally, I have a few regrets that I just can't shake. I find myself often pining over mistakes that I have made and opportunities that I have missed. If I had to chose a fatal flaw of mine, it would be that I seriously lack motivation sometimes. In trying to find new ways to motivate myself, I often look back on the pain that I harbor due to my past. I've come to find out that it eventually works but the time it takes, the agony and stress that I experience within the process ends up really not being worth it in most cases. The only time I feel like it was worth it was when I (finally!) released my book, Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit. In retrospect, that process cost me way more emotionally and otherwise than I was prepared to sacrifice. In the end, though, it is what it is. All I can do is learn from the experience, accept the fact that things are the way they are in some regards and hope that whatever amends that can be made, I am given the opportunity to do so.
But what does all that have to do with the new year and new beginnings? I think what happens when we try to "make new beginnings" is that we try to reinvent ourselves under this extremely crazy deadline of "a new year". While many, including myself, will lean towards better habits, exercising more, drinking less, etc., sometimes we forget that these are life changing events that really can't be realistically imposed starting on the 1st. Some succeed in making it happen. I for one have never succeeded in that regard. For me to reach the milestone that was the release of my book, I actually had to give myself a relaxed deadline of an entire year to say I wanted this to happen. I called this past year, my 36th, my own personal "36th Chamber" in reference to my admiration and affinity for my favorite hip-hop group, The Wu Tang Clan. There is a long explanation of what the 36th chamber is and for that explanation in regards to the old kung fu flick, you can follow this link. The short version is that the 36th chamber was a new chamber that a student, who had progressed through the 35 chambers of his martial arts training relatively quickly, wanted to create to teach martial arts to commoners. In my case, I looked at the 36th chamber as a moment of personal achievement, the point in my life where it was time for me to make the leap that I had been saying for too long that I wanted to. I turned 36 on October 1st, 2015 and by June 8th, 2016, my first book was published. That was the first thing I set out to do, other than releasing an independent hip hop album in 2005 at 25, that I saw through to it's fruition. 10 years later, might I add, lol!!!!
2016 was tough for a lot of us. Many of my close friends, co-workers and those in my extended poet/ artist family experienced tragic losses of family members and friends. I tried my best to not leave 2016 with a bad taste in my mouth. I wanted to continue on the path that I had traveled in 2016, although that path wasn't entirely as awesome as the release of my book. That truly was the highlight of my year, but as I mentioned earlier, the process to get to that point wasn't ideal. While there are sacrifices that need to be made to achieve anything of substance, you have to weigh the costs of those sacrifices and the impact that those sacrifices will have on you and those who love and care about you, and be ready to deal with the fallout. You have to own the decisions you make, good or bad and accept the consequences, again, good and bad. I came to the realization, as I reflected on 2016 alone at home New Year's Eve, that my 2016 was a direct result of how I chose to deal with certain things. I had good moments and bad moments, but most of those bad moments consisted of me making decisions and then agonizing over the things that occurred due to those decisions. Most of that came from indecisiveness in sticking to some of the things I felt I needed to do. Some of the agony came from not being able to accept some of those decisions, in that I couldn't control the outcome of said decisions. A good portion of the negative things I went though was me being pissed that I was allowing some things I had experienced to affect me to the point where I was dormant creatively, with a book on deck, trying to find ways to market and push the book, but finding myself not doing anything that I needed to do because my mind, heart and spirit wasn't right. I was completely responsible for that and the acknowledgement of that only motivated me in spurts. I allowed myself to be consumed by my own bullshit, and the acknowledgement of that kept me less than motivated more times than not.
Fortunately, I have people that noticed me going through something, reached out to me and encouraged me to fight through the funk that I fell into, due to negative situations that I had created. My sister, friends, my manager at work and others who knew of what I wanted to accomplish, pushed me to just talk, or sometimes, just listen to the advice they had to give. Some offered me books to read (Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates was a major mentality booster), others encouraged me to try different methods of meditation and refection, while others "forced" me to face my role in my own struggles. There were plenty of nights that I laid awake just trying to sift through what was going on. Weeks went by that I didn't sleep for more than an hour or two a night, at best. I had struggles at work, just trying to be there and be effective. Relationships with some people deteriorated and I questioned relationships that I found myself trying to cultivate. I found myself in the house many days doing absolutely nothing productive at all. I found ways to try to escape my thoughts and feelings but all those things did was enhance the anxiety, the worry, the over thinking. I am by no means out of the woods when it comes to a lot of these things, but I am truly looking to 2017 to continue in the work that friends like Marlanda 'Sapient Soul' Dekine, Shemu'el Namaste, Lindsey 'Flower' Stevens, Davelyn Hill, Scott Neely and Crystal Irby feel like I can be a part of. I want to be able to mend some of the broken relationships that I have and not allow things out of my control to hinder me from achieving what I feel is my destiny, to restrict my walk on my path. I want to be able to freely admit my flaws and openly express myself without hesitation. I want to follow through on my commitments much better than I currently do and I want to leave a lasting impression on each and every person that I meet or who reads my work. But most of all, I want to live free. Completely free.
So, am I about to make a New Year's resolution? Maybe, but I would like to think this is a life resolution that I feel like I laid the groundwork for starting on October 1st, 2015. 2016 was a learning experience for me, hands down. I believe 2017 can be, not a starting point for me but a continuation upon what I feel is the growth that I truly need to continue to get to where I see myself as a writer an artist but above all, a person. I want to always be in a position where I am always creating, always writing, always influencing, always living and working in the moment. I want everything I went through in 2016 to have been worth it.
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