Shout out to Brother Ali for crafting such a beautiful album and song (Own Light/ What Hearts Are For) that inspired the title of this post. If you haven't been feeling much like yourself lately, I recommend taking the time to listen to it. There is a link to the video at the end of this post.
I saw a quote a few days ago and it did something to my spirit. Something shifted in me. The caption that I attached to the quote made me realize that, as tough as things have seemed lately, I was still in a pretty good place.
The quote? "My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's ok."
That is the best thing I could have seen!
I can run down the list of things in my life than wasn't ever part of "the plan", as it were. Leaving New York City at 22 years old and moving to Greenville, SC was never part of "the plan". Being 38 years old and still trying to figure out the trajectory my life is on definitely wasn't part of "the plan". Recognizing, realizing and admitting to certain emotional and possible mental health issues? No one ever plans for that. Throughout the years, relationships with lovers, friends and some family members have failed or aren't what I think they should be. I thought my writing career would have been further along than what it is now.
But you know what? It's ok!
I really mean that. Of course, there are a few things that I wish were different. Coming to the realization that most of those things are out of my control allows me to be okay with the way they have turned out. It ain't rainbows and sunshine everyday, by no means whatsoever. Even if things had gone according to "the plan", life still would suck on some days. And that's ok, too. You know why?
Because it has to be!
Listen. I know one great day or a few strung together doesn't mean I've cracked this secret code to happiness. As I am typing this out now, I am struggling to maintain the "feeling good" mindset that I had earlier this week. I woke up this morning kind of back where I was before I'd heard the Brother Ali album that I mentioned at the start of this post. A song or album can only beat off the blues for a short amount of time. Trying to maintain one's happiness is a constant day in and day out process. With all the negative things we see happening all around us, from the shenanigans in our national and local governments to the way we as a people treat each other, depression and anxiety is as much a part our lives as is eating and sleeping.
But one thing that album, especially the song "Own Light (What Hearts Are For) said to me was that even if our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, we can still overcome it. Feeling good, even if it is only for the amount of time a song plays in your ears, is magical. It's something we all deserve and it is something that, for many of us, we have to fight for. We may have to fight our wants and desires or fight our feelings. We may have to set up boundaries with people and some people may have to set up boundaries with us. We may have to re-evaluate our employment or our living situations. There may be hard questions we have to ask ourselves and be honest with ourselves when the answers come to light. There may be things in our lives that we feel are making us happy but are only covering up some deeper issues. Happiness doesn't have to be temporary. It won't be if it comes from within.
The complicated, not according to plan, detour riddled, uncertain and sometimes mentally and emotionally painful "life" that we may be living does have a potential beauty to it. That beauty may seem hidden from us at times and it is different for each of us. To me, whenever "the plan" seems to have gone awry, I try to look at it as a new opportunity to strengthen my resolve; to keep moving forward and keep growing. To keep learning more about who I am and be confident that the path I've chosen is the right one for me. I've had a lot of disappointments, some that I'm still struggling to overcome. I have unanswered questions about some unresolved situations that I've had to just count as losses and try to move on. I've had missed opportunities. But one thing I can truly say is that I no longer feel like I've wasted any of the time I've spent trying to figure things out. Maybe I am a bit of a late starter, being almost 40 years old and only now coming to some clear realizations of what I want to do with my life. But I've accepted that the pace at which things occur is insignificant when you are checking off your goals and accomplishments. Nothing comes or happens before it is supposed to. Yes, continued effort and persistence is needed if one wants to meet their goals. But patience is as well. Sometimes, the most difficult thing to be patient with is ourselves.
If you haven't heard Brother Ali's 'Own Light (What Hearts Are For) yet, check out the video here.
Peace.
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