I usually don't reflect a whole lot on my birthday. I try to enjoy the day or the weekend by just being around good people, my friends and family. I grew up not celebrating birthdays so I never really placed a whole lot of importance on them, except for the fact that I was another year older.
As I got older, the value of my time and how I was spending it was becoming more and more important to me. When I turned 20, I was volunteering at the headquarters of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society in Brooklyn, NY. I was also going through a very contemplative period in which I was trying to figure out my spirituality and if being a Jehovah's Witness was what I wanted to do. When I turned 25, I had been in Greenville, SC for about 3 years and was working on being a rapper. When my 30th birthday rolled around, I began to wonder what I was actually going to do with the rest of my life. I was feeling like I had wasted my younger years by not putting forth enough effort to frame my life.
At 36, I released my first book Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit. There were a lot of things changing in my life at that time and I was really confused as to where the path that I was on was taking me. My perception of life in general was changing. Personal relationships with people, friends and family, were changing. I was changing. I didn't quite know who I was becoming and my future wasn't as clear as I had hoped it to be by that time. There were things I knew I needed to do, but I wasn't ready. Some decisions were being made for me by others, whether I liked it or not. One thing was clear, though.
I had a lot more growing to do (note: I didn't say growing up but growing).
I turned 39 on Oct 1, one more year until I am 40, and this has been the most revealing birthday of them all. I've realized that just as people are in your life for a season, you are in other peoples lives for a season as well. These seasons will come to their end, whether you want it to or not. You can try your best to hold on, to extend the season. But when it's over, it's over. And there is almost nothing you can do about it.
There are many of us who don't handle change very well, and that's very understandable. We get used to our routines: We have our favorite coffee shops we go to before work, our favorite shows we watch, our favorite t-shirt, etc. But what happens when the coffee shop closes or that show we love gets cancelled? What happens when we wear out our favorite t-shirt or we can no longer fit it? Do we stop drinking coffee altogether? Do we stop watching TV? Do we abandon wearing t-shirts, convinced that we will never find another t-shirt that we can call our favorite? Of course not! We adapt. We find another coffee place or we end up making coffee at home. We find a new show to watch and we buy another t-shirt. We may have to go through a couple of coffee spots before we find one that we can again call our own, we may have to scan through Netflix or Hulu for a while trying to find another show and we may have to buy a number of t-shirts before we find the one that we can call our favorite again. But eventually, we are back into our familiar routine and life is back to normal.
The same can be applied when we find ourselves facing the end of seasons with people. We get so used to certain people being in our lives, whether they are friends or more than friends, and the idea of them no longer being around is rarely entertained. We get used to texting them, calling them, eating with them, spending lazy weekends with them, etc. We may even have made advance plans for trips with them or may have been planning a future with them. But all of a sudden (or not all of a sudden), things change and for whatever reason, that person or group of persons are no longer in our lives. Sometimes it's our choice but most times it isn't. We may feel like we've been left holding this emotional bag, with many things left unsaid or unanswered. But the truth is, this change is happening. We have to accept it, no matter how hard it may seem to be.
What I have found to be helpful is embracing such changes, full on. Recognizing the purpose these people played in our lives can play a HUGE role in us being able to overcome their season ending. Identifying the positives and negatives of the season these people spent in our lives can help us see the growth we may or may not have experienced. This can be somewhat of a difficult task because it forces us to see who we are as individuals. It makes us ask ourselves the tough questions, like:
Was this person good for me?
Was I good for that person?
Did I hold on to a person or situation, selfishly, for too long?
Did I allow myself to stay in a toxic relationship, friendship or situation for fear of being alone?
Was I the toxic person?
Our emotions can dictate how we answer these questions but it is very important that we answer them honestly. It can be hard to admit that a person may have not been good for you and even harder to admit that maybe you weren't good for them. Part of embracing the change that is occurring is finding ways to improve and continue to grow in spite of what is happening. You may find flaws within yourself that you need to work on, so identifying those are key to your growth. What you may also find is relief from the constant struggle you were experiencing by existing in a situation that may have never been meant for you, or was only meant for you for a season.
Think about all the energy that goes into resisting a changing situation that you have no control over. Think about the sleepless nights you've experienced because your spirit was troubled. Think about the unanswered text messages, the mixed signals, the self doubt you experienced trying to find answers to unanswered questions. Think about the questions you knew the answers to but didn't want to admit them to yourself.
Now think about release, letting go of all that negative energy. Letting the change happen. Think about that first night of the best sleep you have had in awhile. Think about the peace you have been searching for that you finally have. Think about the new season you are entering because you let the old season run it's course.
Every year has four seasons, right? Embrace this Fall, prepare for the Winter, wait for the new life that will bloom next Spring so you can enjoy your Summer!
Ase.
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