The Fear of Can't Becoming Motivation

When I was in my late teens, I had a dream of being a rapper. I never thought I would become famous, but I did fantasize about two of my childhood friends and I recording an album and playing in a couple of small clubs in Queens, NY. I think, for maybe a summer, I really felt like I had the potential to be successful based only on my writing ability and my flow. I had a lot of work to do as far as creativity, more use of metaphors and I really needed to work on my freestyling. As I continued to work at getting better something happened that changed everything, and it still has a huge effect on me to this day.


Someone told me I couldn't do it.


To be honest, there were hundreds of good reasons why anyone who knew me then might have felt like Jason Franklin being a rapper was an extremely far fetched idea. Hip-Hop in the late 90's in New York was nothing like it is now. Most of the well know successful rappers were street guys and, while I did grow up in South Jamaica, Queens, I was far from a street guy. I was also a baptized Jehovah's Witness. There were no gritty tales of 'hood living in any of my lyrics, even though I lived in the same area that gave rise to some of the greatest rappers that have ever touched a mic. South Jamaica was a rough part of town, but my parents (and my, then, religious affiliation) kept me outside from all of the influences that inspired Hip-Hop back then. However, none of those reasons were behind why the person who told me I couldn't do it felt that way. And, being that it came from a girl that I was dating (and yes, trying to impress), it hit me like a ton of bricks. She simply said: "You're just not talented enough."


I was stunned. I thought I was good, really good. I thought she thought I was good. I thought she would push me, support me, be there with me when I signed my deal, when I bought my first brand new car, house, etc. I had seen all of this in my head, had talked with my boys about it, had written and rapped about it. And now my inspiration, my muse (at the time) was telling me she didn't believe in my abilities, that I didn't have what it took to rap, let alone be successful at it. I don't know if she saw it but at that exact moment, everything within me shattered. I didn't know it at the time but, everything about who I was began to fracture at that point as well. My relationship with the girl would soon be over along with the one I had with one of my best friends (1+1+1-1=?). Shortly after that I fell out with my religion. My parents left New York and moved to South Carolina while I tried to stay afloat on my own for as long as I could. I never thought about leaving New York and I kept writing, filling multiple books with rhymes, songs, poems and short stories. I started working on a novel. I felt the need to get back with the Jehovah's Witnesses, mainly because I missed my friends and family that I couldn't associate with if I wasn't in good standing. But it didn't fit who I was becoming.


I later left New York to stay with my parents for what was never supposed to be a permanent move. I had this chip on my shoulder that came through in some of the songs I had begun to formulate and soon, my desire to record them started to come out. I sought out some local producers who'd be willing to work with me on what was essentially a $0 budget. Soon enough I came across a local collective of producers and a local MC/ spoken word artist who had heard me perform at an open mic. They asked if I was interested in working with them on some music (OF COURSE I WAS!!!!!) and seeing where we could take it. Long story short, I ended up becoming a part of their collective, recorded a full length mixtape with them and eventually a solo project. From there, I honed my writing skills and evolved into a spoken word artist, self published my first book Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit (which you can purchase here) and I am working on starting my own publishing company.


Remember that chip on my shoulder that I mentioned earlier? It pushed me to keep writing and to pursue recording my music. When I left New York, I was angry at the way I had lost those relationships with the girl and my friend. Everything that I did was motivated by, not just the anger I felt but by fear as well. Fear of what?


The fear that maybe the girl was right!!!!!


Like I said at the beginning of this post, I never thought I was going to be a famous rapper. I know now, almost 20 years later, that I didn't even want to be anyone famous. I wanted to record my music, make an album and share my work with anyone who would listen. I had a lot to say. But I remember, while spending late nights recording and maybe drinking way too much, the fear of what was said to me always being in the back of my mind. And every time a new song was recorded and mixed down, her words would reverberate in my head. "You can't do it, you're not talented enough." I found myself editing my work and rewriting songs because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I was a talented enough writer. Meanwhile, doors were opening up that I didn't even know about and the Universe was conspiring to help me see what my true purpose was.


Ok, so why tell you that long ass story? Well, if for no other reason, to explain the concept of being afraid that what negative people tell you about your goals and aspirations is true. More often than not, the person(s) who tells you that you can't do something isn't an expert in the field you are pursuing. Other times, they are people who haven't accomplished anything at all. They are usually people who may have dreams and aspirations, too, but they've either let the fear of can't keep them from reaching their goals or they've given up on them for any number of reason. Some still have no aspirations at all and are comfortable with going through the motions of life, while others have actually let people convince them that they can't do what they have set out to do. These individuals, or anyone else for that matter, telling YOU that you can't reach YOUR goals isn't them giving you constructive criticism. This isn't them having your best interests at heart, or trying to help you understand your limitations. This is them not wanting to see you succeed! This is them not thinking you can succeed. This is them having not believed in themselves enough to feel like they could have succeeded. This is them accepting mediocrity for themselves.


THIS IS NOT YOU!!!!!


Our goals and aspirations may not work out exactly the way we start out wanting them to. I started out wanting to be a rapper, which led me to exploring the world of spoken word and poetry. Now I can say I am a published author with the know how and means to further the goal of making a living as a writer. If I had listened to the girl who told me that I wasn't talented enough to be a rapper, the journey that has brought me to this point would have been halted right there. Who knows what I would be doing at this point. All I know is, my life would be totally different and I don't think I would be as fulfilled as I am now. Sure, I have much more work to do. But as each day passes, the point of me reaching my ultimate goal draws closer and closer. I just have to keep going.


AND SO DO YOU!


So, yes, let people tell you that you can't do it. There will be times when you may wonder, to yourself and out load, if those people are right, That's perfectly alright. But never let fear keep you from pushing on, from proving those who don't believe in you wrong. Use it as motivation, use it as the reason why you can't give up. Don't do it just to prove them wrong though. Do it to prove to yourself that you can reach the goals you have set. Do it so that when you look back, you can see everything that you've accomplished in spite of those who doubted you. It most definitely won't be easy, but I promise you, it will be worth it.


Do it because it is what you were meant to do!