Sometimes, there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Sometimes, all there is to do is just allow yourself to feel bad, to not be okay, to be angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, lonely, etc. Sometimes, the only path to feeling better is feeling your absolute worse before you can have a happy day, or even a happy moment. Trying to string together consecutive happy moments or days can be a struggle.
There isn't a quick answer to why you feel this way. There are suggestions as to what you should do. Go see a therapist. Talk to a friend. Air out your grievances to your ex, if that is part of the problem. Have a drink. Smoke a joint. Get laid. Work on your craft. Organize your life. Set priorities. Take a day off. Shit, take a week off. Go away. Be alone for awhile. Get off the grid, go Zero Dark Thirty on 'em. Sleep in. Don't give a fuck. Breathe. Meditate. Try this herbal remedy, try this tincture. Do yoga, go to the gym.
WRITE IT OUT!
You don't feel like talking to anyone but, in your line of work, you have to. A couple of hundred people a day, face to face or on the phone. They ask questions and don't like your answers. They want what they want and they want it now. They can't help themselves, even though they are carrying the latest iPhone with every app imaginable; they just want you to do it for them. Well intentioned co-workers stop at your desk with meaningless chatter that you can't walk away from, so you smile and nod, trying to look busy but they continue on. Annoying co-workers with a lack of social skills harass you, attempting to be funny. You dread running into them and, when you do, you give them every signal imaginable to let them know today is not the day. They keep going, so you give them shit right back. Hint not taken.
You are distracted during most solitary moments by events that you cannot change, mistakes you have made, by the relationship that has run it's course but still is, some may say, an unhealthy part of your life. In the shower, in the car, during down time at work, while you lie in bed at night. Your heart won't let you forget and it damn sure won't let you walk away. You are haunted by words spoken and left unsaid. You are trying to gain some clarity regarding certain matters of your heart. Whenever you try to create some form of dialogue, emotions run amok to one extreme or the other. You decide to take it one day at a time; no days are good, most days are bad. Almost every night is bad.
You search online for inspirational quotes and post the ones that speak to you. You make jokes about the heartache, thinking that it is helping because sometimes, it feels like it is.
You drink alone. No rules. Anytime is a good time for a shot if there's booze around. When there is, you drink yourself to sleep, but you pay for it in the morning. You drink more just to shake the devil off but to no avail. You try not to let it show while you are at work, but those who know you, know. They ask if you are ok. You lie to most of them, speak honestly to one of them. All you are trying to do is not think about the things you don't need to think about. Deaden the nerves and silence the noise in your head. But there is always noise in your head.
When you actually do sleep, your dreams haunt you across years; movies playing out scenes of memories you thought you fought hard enough to forget. Nope, your heart and mind play tricks on you at the same damn time. You're exhausted, but you feel guilty when your body won't let you forget you haven't slept in days because you know you should be working on your goals and aspirations.
The phone rings. Decisions, decisions. It's a roll of the dice. Depending on who it is, you could ruin an already shitty day if you answer. When it doesn't ring, you are constantly searching for a text message that may never come or wondering why "they" haven't called. You wished "them" a good day and "their" reply was just "Thx". Every once in a while "they" add a "U too". You delete "their" number from your phone, delete "their" caller ID pic because it's too painful to see "their" face pop up if and when "they" do call, just to change it to something generic because completely striking "them" out of your phone and leaving it that way is a step you just aren't ready to take.
You tell yourself it's getting easier when you feel it getting harder to make it through each day. You tell yourself it could be worse when it feels like it's actually getting worse. Sometimes you are ashamed of how you feel and how you choose to cope. Out of all the things that might make you feel better, all you want is the one thing that will probably make you feel worse right after you get it. It always does. It always will. But you'd take it in a heartbeat, every single time.
The answers don't exist, but they do. They are plain as day, yet so complicated. You have your tribe and you know they love you. You wonder is it enough.
Trust me, conflicted and confused soul. I can relate.
It will get better, just not right now.
The pain, unfortunately, will take some more time to eventually pass.
The guilt will linger until you can forgive yourself, even though you really have nothing to feel guilty about.
The confusion will eventually give way to a clearer understanding.
You will be whole again.
Just hold on a little bit longer.
You will be whole again!
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