Chasing Illusions?

We chase unattainable things that attract our spirits

making us feel the things

that make us forget

how tortured we are...

in a reality

that makes no sense

unless 

our senses

are stimulated

in ways that make drugs seem pointless

that makes alcohol

a waste of water and sugar

that makes food

and meaningful conversation

the best ending

to the worse days...

we watch

as relationships

sour

because

our lights weren’t bright enough

our energies weren’t tuned enough

our priorities were so misplaced

that we 

stuck to the rules

instead of not giving a fuck

long enough to cross over

instead of not believing

that there really are no rules

to things that make our souls

overflow with things that we

can’t describe

because the words

haven’t been invented...

there is pain.

there is joy.

there is lust.

there is contentment.

there is satisfying your lover

because you love them

more than you love yourself

but 

that is a rule

that only some of us follow

and 

some of us don’t even know

what love is

and

so some of us

fake it until we make it

and 

making it

usually means

breaking the hearts of those that

already knew there

weren’t any rules

and

we just couldn’t grasp that concept...

not ready...

too scared too jump

but

I jumped twice

and

there was nothing there

to break my fall

to catch my spirit

as my physical body stalled

thinking this was the moment

that something inside of me

had been preparing me for all along

not knowing what it was called

but knowing how it felt

and

it felt like death both times

it feels like death each time

I see people like me

get their worlds shattered

by illusions we create

only to realize 

that it wasn’t illusions we were creating

we were living in destinies

designed for us

by us

several lifetimes 

before getting it right

and 

when we got it right

we didn’t even know it

because 

someone sold us on rules

that only applied to those

unsure of what it was 

that was before them

there has got to be a blueprint to the madness,

right?

There has got to be a way

there has got to be some

sort of structure

there has got to be a thing

that tells us

how life works

and if we follow it to the T

we should be okay, 

right?

Well, if being okay

is the 

“okay”

you want to settle for

then I guess there are

4 billion

4 hundred and

44 million

4 hundred and

44 thousand

4 hundred and

44 different blueprints

that we could subscribe to

to tell us that being okay

is enough

but

what is okay if it is someone else’s version

of what “okay” is?

See, 

that’s the lie

and the problem is

there really isn’t anything

that we can use to

refute the lies

that we believe in every single day

‘cus the lie

is the truth that we have been told

is the lie...

So, what do you believe in?

I mean, what is left to believe in?

We have an advanced society

that is convinced that going backwards

will Make America Great Again

we have people promoting hate

as the new love

we have people afraid to make connections

because the connections

they made in the past

almost destroyed them 

you have artists and creatives

unsure of their abilities

because "likes"

trump investing

reposting passively supports

and nobody supports anyone these days

if there isn’t anything in it for them

so

how the hell can anyone love anyone 

in a world like this? 

There isn’t an answer that I can tell you

but

there might be an answer that I can help you feel

the only problem is,

you have to ask

the right question

first...

Recognizing Your Own Dopeness is the Next Step

When you know you're DOPE!

When LeBron James confidently (or arrogantly, depending on who you talk to) stated after a loss to the Golden State Warriors in Game 5 of the 2015 NBA Finals that he was "the best player in the world", a lot of people threw shade. They were down 3 games to 2. His All-Star teammates, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love were out of the series due to injury. LeBron had scored 123 total points over the first three games of the series, an NBA Finals record. He was averaging 45 minutes and 36.6 points per game. No one was picking the Cavs to win this series. A reporter had asked him why was he still so confident.

I, for one, wouldn't have expected him to answer that question any differently. You don't get to where LeBron is in his world without having confidence in yourself and your abilities. A reporter asked a question and he gave an answer that, although debatable, couldn't really be refuted at that time. And even though his team lost that series, he brought the (healthy) Cavs right back the next season and beat the Warriors in Game 7 (after being down 3 games to 1) to win Cleveland's first NBA championship and the first sports title in 42 years.


Each and every one of us have our own gifts to offer the world. As a writer, I am always trying to find ways to improve my craft. Often times, others come to me for advice on being a better writer and my message is always the same: Until you believe in your gifts, nothing that I can say will work for you.


Or in other words: Know your dopeness!


While you will probably never hear me say that I am the best writer, poet, MC, etc., in the world, I've put a lot of work into what I've done. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I thought I was good, even longer to be able to say it to others. People who have asked me what makes me confident in the work I have done may have heard me say things like "I know my shit is dope!" or something along the lines of "I write for me first". This is not to say that I don't doubt my ability from time to time. Like I said, I am always looking to improve, to become a better writer, to broaded my subject matter. When I have an idea for a novel or a poem or even a screenplay, I try to capture those moments as soon as they come to me. Not every idea is good, but I know a few of them can be if I develop them fully and put in the work to make them as good as possible. I may ask people who are writers to check out what I have and I may ask some non-writers to do the same. It isn't for validation, though. It's usually for any constructive criticism these individuals may have to offer. But whenever I put forth the effort to write anything, I always feel like the finished product is pretty dope. If I didn't feel that way, I wouldn't have thought it was worth it to write in the first place. If I didn't feel like people would read my blog, I wouldn't post (and I KNOW, I need to post more often).


I feel that I am a pretty dope writer. There is nothing wrong with me saying it, so I don't have any problem saying it.


I know people who are dope painters, artists, writers, sculptors, singers, graphic designers, poets, spoken word artists, etc., who either don't believe they are dope or have a problem actually saying it. A good friend of mine, who I think is an awesome writer, feels like she needs some sort of training in creative writing before she can offer her gifts to the world. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles creatives face, especially those of us who are Black, is the idea that we have to be certified in our crafts to be viewed as "good". I'm not saying that attending a workshop here and there can't help you in honing your craft but some of history's greatest creatives weren't formally trained. They didn't have to be. Art comes from the heart, not from a classroom or an online course in grammar or creative writing.


I think when one begins to question their dopeness, or if they are any good at what they do, it may be that they are losing their passion for their craft. Or they may not have been real passionate about it in the first place. A lot of times, we are blessed with natural talent that we just go with that talent because it comes generally easy to us. As we work towards our goals with our gifts, things may begin to feel like a chore. It begins to feel like work. You are starting to not love your gift. You are beginning to feel like you are wasting your time.


SO WHAT DO YOU DO?


Ask yourself, "What is it that I want to get out of my gift?"


For me, writing gives me a sense of freedom. I love to speak freely on topics that mean something to me and that I know means something to those who I am close to and who may think like I do. It's not hard at all for me to write, when I actually get the time to do so. The hard part is pushing myself to stay on track with the goals I have. I already have one published book, but life has sort of gotten in the way and I am trying to push through this holding pattern and move on to new projects for myself and other authors. What I want is to use my abilities to continuously keep publishing my work, develop screenplays (maybe sell one and see it become a movie!), publish other authors, maybe write for online productions and one day move to Maine and continue my career as a writer of novels and short stories from my cabin in the mountains or on the coast. Very specific, I know! But all of that is where my passion lies. I don't have any doubt that as along as I continue to stay on track with my craft, because I do truly believe in my dopeness, that I can make all of that a reality.


Is it really that simple? For me, it is. I see in other people that it isn't for them, and that is ok. It wasn't always that simple for me and it took others coaxing me and letting me know that they thought I was dope for it to start to sink in. When people actually purchased my book, I began to really believe it. Sometimes, we just need others to believe in us to give us the validation we need. A lot of times, though, we have a whole tribe of people believing in us and we still doubt our abilities. If this is where you are as a creative of any sort, it may take you stepping out of your comfort zone and taking some risks for you to finally recognize your own dopeness. Maybe you're an aritst and you've never done a show. Maybe you are a writer but you've never tried to publish your work, or your efforts to get published haven't been fruitful. Sometimes, we have to go back to the drawing board, re-evaluate our efforts and/ or strategies and push forward with a renewed sense of motivation. There may be times where we actually have to re-evaluate our path, go back to zero and move in a completely different direction than the one we were initially on. Sometimes, we are good at a number of things and we just have to find the one thing that we are great at.


Success never comes easy. We will have many doors closed, sometimes slammed in our faces. Some people may see what we are doing and go out of their way to prevent us from succeeding. All of that is to be expected. It will test our spirit and our resolve. It will make us better. It will help us clearly determine our path and make our dopeness that much clearer.


LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAY "I'M THE BEST __________ IN THE WORLD!"


Your championship awaits.

All The Beauty in this Whole Life

Shout out to Brother Ali for crafting such a beautiful album and song (Own Light/ What Hearts Are For) that inspired the title of this post. If you haven't been feeling much like yourself lately, I recommend taking the time to listen to it. There is a link to the video at the end of this post.


I saw a quote a few days ago and it did something to my spirit. Something shifted in me. The caption that I attached to the quote made me realize that, as tough as things have seemed lately, I was still in a pretty good place.


The quote? "My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's ok."


That is the best thing I could have seen!


I can run down the list of things in my life than wasn't ever part of "the plan", as it were. Leaving New York City at 22 years old and moving to Greenville, SC was never part of  "the plan". Being 38 years old and still trying to figure out the trajectory my life is on definitely wasn't part of "the plan". Recognizing, realizing and admitting to certain emotional and possible mental health issues? No one ever plans for that. Throughout the years, relationships with lovers, friends and some family members have failed or aren't what I think they should be. I thought my writing career would have been further along than what it is now.


But you know what? It's ok!


I really mean that. Of course, there are a few things that I wish were different. Coming to the realization that most of those things are out of my control allows me to be okay with the way they have turned out. It ain't rainbows and sunshine everyday, by no means whatsoever. Even if things had gone according to "the plan", life still would suck on some days. And that's ok, too. You know why?


Because it has to be!


Listen. I know one great day or a few strung together doesn't mean I've cracked this secret code to happiness. As I am typing this out now, I am struggling to maintain the "feeling good" mindset that I had earlier this week. I woke up this morning kind of back where I was before I'd heard the Brother Ali album that I mentioned at the start of this post. A song or album can only beat off the blues for a short amount of time. Trying to maintain one's happiness is a constant day in and day out process. With all the negative things we see happening all around us, from the shenanigans in our national and local governments to the way we as a people treat each other, depression and anxiety is as much a part our lives as is eating and sleeping.


But one thing that album, especially the song "Own Light (What Hearts Are For) said to me was that even if our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, we can still overcome it. Feeling good, even if it is only for the amount of time a song plays in your ears, is magical. It's something we all deserve and it is something that, for many of us, we have to fight for. We may have to fight our wants and desires or fight our feelings. We may have to set up boundaries with people and some people may have to set up boundaries with us. We may have to re-evaluate our employment or our living situations. There may be hard questions we have to ask ourselves and be honest with ourselves when the answers come to light. There may be things in our lives that we feel are making us happy but are only covering up some deeper issues. Happiness doesn't have to be temporary. It won't be if it comes from within.


The complicated, not according to plan, detour riddled, uncertain and sometimes mentally and emotionally painful "life" that we may be living does have a potential beauty to it. That beauty may seem hidden from us at times and it is different for each of us. To me, whenever "the plan" seems to have gone awry, I try to look at it as a new opportunity to strengthen my resolve; to keep moving forward and keep growing. To keep learning more about who I am and be confident that the path I've chosen is the right one for me. I've had a lot of disappointments, some that I'm still struggling to overcome. I have unanswered questions about some unresolved situations that I've had to just count as losses and try to move on. I've had missed opportunities. But one thing I can truly say is that I no longer feel like I've wasted any of the time I've spent trying to figure things out. Maybe I am a bit of a late starter, being almost 40 years old and only now coming to some clear realizations of what I want to do with my life. But I've accepted that the pace at which things occur is insignificant when you are checking off your goals and accomplishments. Nothing comes or happens before it is supposed to. Yes, continued effort and persistence is needed if one wants to meet their goals. But patience is as well. Sometimes, the most difficult thing to be patient with is ourselves.


If you haven't heard Brother Ali's 'Own Light (What Hearts Are For) yet, check out the video here.


Peace.

#freeupstatepoetry

Free:

adjective

Not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes.


Not physically restrained, obstructed or fixed: unimpeded.


adverb

Without cost or payment


verb

Release from captivity, confinement or slavery


********************************************************************************


Upstate South Carolina:

The region in the westernmost part of South Carolina, consisting of 10 counties (Greenville, Spartanburg, Anderson, Laurens, Oconee, Pickens, Cherokee, Union, Abbeville and Greenwood).


********************************************************************************


Poetry:

noun

Literary work in which special intensity is given to the expression of feelings and ideas by the use of distinctive style and rhythm; poems collectively or as a genre of literature.


*******************************************************************************


The best ideas start as conversations -Jonathan Lee



#freeupstatepoetry started as a conversation within a group text. It was a spontaneous reaction to a somewhat unrelated topic at the time.


It was also born from a feeling I have had regarding the poetry community in the upstate for a very long time. No shade, but it just doesn't have the same vibe it did years ago.


Maybe that is due to my opinion of what I feel poetry is supposed to be. To me, poetry is more than just what it is by definition. Poetry represents a community; people from all walks of life and economic backgrounds. It can be home to the poet and to the listener. Truth be told, poetry here in the upstate hasn't felt like home in quite some time. I mean that in all sincerity.


What really has me on one, though, is the reaction others have had to people expressing that sentiment, i.e myself and my friend, Celestial Poet.


We're grown folks, people. I don't exactly know the history of spoken word here in Greenville, SC. All I know is when I arrived here in 2002-2003, one of the first places I hung out at was at a spoken word open mic. Coming from New York where open mics were a dime a dozen, it was familiar territory. I felt at home immediately. I met some folks there that I ended up working with on my first and only hip-hop CD. I transitioned with those same people into a spoken word artist/ author and worked on several projects with them and other spoken word artists in the area. I consider these people family.


Family discusses things amongst themselves when issues or concerns arise. Or at least they should.


That being said, family often disagrees on a number of topics.


While there are several issues and concerns that have arisen since a photograph of me wearing a #freeupstatepoetry shirt popped up on social media, I am just going to address what I can speak on directly.


The shirt, the hashtag and the message.


Like I said earlier, the hashtag was born of an idea during a conversation in a group text. The idea came from me.


The shirt? A prototype. I enlisted another friend of mine to make it so I could wear it to an event promoting community, healing and unity. With the interest and dialogue that came about at that event, I decided to create a campaign for the shirts on teespring.com


The message was clearly posted on the campaign page and is still there:   "For Healing, Growth and Community".


I am unable to address the issues that have come up otherwise because I am not directly involved. But I will say this: I am in full support of my sister and friend, Celestial Poet, and anyone else who feels like #freeupstatepoetry speaks to their concerns and feelings about the current state of poetry/ spoken word in the Upstate.


It's not about t-shirt sales, competition, garnering support for venues or taking away from an organization or venue that has a foothold in the poetry community here in Greenville.


It's about healing, growth and community.

It's about freedom of expression.

It's about the art.

It's about feeling welcome and safe.

It has also turned into a call to do things the right way. Period.


No one person, group or organization can have a monopoly on expression. So there shouldn't be a level of division when another group decides to offer an alternative to what currently exists. That goes for a place to hold an open mic, book signing, performance, gallery showing, etc.


There also should be a level of understanding when an idea or movement supports an individual or group that feels like they've been done wrong. This isn't to say all parties involved should or have to agree. But when it is clear and obvious that a wrong has been done, there should be open dialogue and that person or group's concerns shouldn't be marginalized. Personal feelings about unrelated issues shouldn't affect how those concerns are addressed.


When serious issues are brought up, they should be addressed immediately, unequivocally, indiscriminately and directly, no matter who's involved and regardless of status and stature.


Of course, we are talking "perfect world" living here, so I don't (and didn't in this case) expect this to always occur.


But we are also talking about family here.


Movements can mean different things to different people while still maintaining it's core principles and values. Friction often occurs when a person, group or organization feels the movement is targeting them and, in some cases, that's true. When that happens, the targeted person, group or organization goes on the defensive.


Or they just hijack the narrative.


We saw this when it came to Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players choosing to kneel during the national anthem on game days. Donald Trump hijacked the narrative and turned well intended athletes, who were kneeling in protest to police brutality towards unarmed Black citizens, into villains.


That was strategic. It was calculated. It worked.


While the narrative of #freeupstatepoetry may not resonate on the same levels as the NFL protests or, say #blacklivesmatter, it is rooted in a similar vein, probably more so now than when the idea was first conceived. Why? Because of the reaction of those who felt the movement was directed at them. The movement was never about one person, or a few persons. It was about a feeling a group of poets/ artists/ activists had. When those individuals took their personal experiences and wove them through the fabric of the core values #freeupstatepoetry is based on, others reacted. Some were curious while others felt attacked. Some reached out in support and others deleted long time friends from their lives. Personally, the negative reaction I experienced had more to do with issues outside of the #freeupstatepoetry movement. Issues that had more to do with them than they had to do with me. Loyalty seemed to be in question, when loyalty wasn't an issue that #freeupstatepoetry was addressing at all.


You know what else breeds actions to shift the narrative of a cause or movement?


Guilt.

Ignorance.

Selfishness.

Entitlement.

Supremacy.


All one has to do, if they are unsure of the motivation behind a cause of a movement, is ask questions to those associated with said movement. The ones that decide to ask, usually do so to make an educated choice to be involved or not. It's either your fight or it's not. Each person has the right to choose to support or oppose any cause or movement. Whether you choose to support or not really isn't indicative of who you are as a person or organization.


Your reaction and actions in respect to that movement, regardless of there basis, says a lot, though.

Dear Conflicted and Confused

Sometimes, there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Sometimes, all there is to do is just allow yourself to feel bad, to not be okay, to be angry, frustrated, sad, depressed, lonely, etc. Sometimes, the only path to feeling better is feeling your absolute worse before you can have a happy day, or even a happy moment. Trying to string together consecutive happy moments or days can be a struggle.


There isn't a quick answer to why you feel this way. There are suggestions as to what you should do. Go see a therapist. Talk to a friend. Air out your grievances to your ex, if that is part of the problem. Have a drink. Smoke a joint. Get laid. Work on your craft. Organize your life. Set priorities. Take a day off. Shit, take a week off. Go away. Be alone for awhile. Get off the grid, go Zero Dark Thirty on 'em. Sleep in. Don't give a fuck. Breathe. Meditate. Try this herbal remedy, try this tincture. Do yoga, go to the gym.


WRITE IT OUT!


You don't feel like talking to anyone but, in your line of work, you have to. A couple of hundred people a day, face to face or on the phone. They ask questions and don't like your answers. They want what they want and they want it now. They can't help themselves, even though they are carrying the latest iPhone with every app imaginable; they just want you to do it for them. Well intentioned co-workers stop at your desk with meaningless chatter that you can't walk away from, so you smile and nod, trying to look busy but they continue on. Annoying co-workers with a lack of social skills harass you, attempting to be funny. You dread running into them and, when you do, you give them every signal imaginable to let them know today is not the day. They keep going, so you give them shit right back. Hint not taken.


You are distracted during most solitary moments by events that you cannot change, mistakes you have made, by the relationship that has run it's course but still is, some may say, an unhealthy part of your life.  In the shower, in the car, during down time at work, while you lie in bed at night. Your heart won't let you forget and it damn sure won't let you walk away. You are haunted by words spoken and left unsaid. You are trying to gain some clarity regarding certain matters of your heart. Whenever you try to create some form of dialogue, emotions run amok to one extreme or the other. You decide to take it one day at a time; no days are good, most days are bad. Almost every night is bad.


You search online for inspirational quotes and post the ones that speak to you. You make jokes about the heartache, thinking that it is helping because sometimes, it feels like it is.


You drink alone. No rules. Anytime is a good time for a shot if there's booze around. When there is, you drink yourself to sleep, but you pay for it in the morning. You drink more just to shake the devil off but to no avail. You try not to let it show while you are at work, but those who know you, know. They ask if you are ok. You lie to most of them, speak honestly to one of them. All you are trying to do is not think about the things you don't need to think about. Deaden the nerves and silence the noise in your head. But there is always noise in your head.


When you actually do sleep, your dreams haunt you across years; movies playing out scenes of memories you thought you fought hard enough to forget. Nope, your heart and mind play tricks on you at the same damn time. You're exhausted, but you feel guilty when your body won't let you forget you haven't slept in days because you know you should be working on your goals and aspirations.


The phone rings. Decisions, decisions. It's a roll of the dice. Depending on who it is, you could ruin an already shitty day if you answer. When it doesn't ring, you are constantly searching for a text message that may never come or wondering why "they" haven't called. You wished "them" a good day and "their" reply was just "Thx". Every once in a while "they" add a "U too". You delete "their" number from your phone, delete "their" caller ID pic because it's too painful to see "their" face pop up if and when "they" do call, just to change it to something generic because completely striking "them" out of your phone and leaving it that way is a step you just aren't ready to take.


You tell yourself it's getting easier when you feel it getting harder to make it through each day. You tell yourself it could be worse when it feels like it's actually getting worse. Sometimes you are ashamed of how you feel and how you choose to cope. Out of all the things that might make you feel better, all you want is the one thing that will probably make you feel worse right after you get it. It always does. It always will. But you'd take it in a heartbeat, every single time.


The answers don't exist, but they do. They are plain as day, yet so complicated. You have your tribe and you know they love you. You wonder is it enough.


Trust me, conflicted and confused soul. I can relate.


It will get better, just not right now.


The pain, unfortunately, will take some more time to eventually pass.


The guilt will linger until you can forgive yourself, even though you really have nothing to feel guilty about.


The confusion will eventually give way to a clearer understanding.


You will be whole again.


Just hold on a little bit longer.

The Fear of Can't Becoming Motivation

When I was in my late teens, I had a dream of being a rapper. I never thought I would become famous, but I did fantasize about two of my childhood friends and I recording an album and playing in a couple of small clubs in Queens, NY. I think, for maybe a summer, I really felt like I had the potential to be successful based only on my writing ability and my flow. I had a lot of work to do as far as creativity, more use of metaphors and I really needed to work on my freestyling. As I continued to work at getting better something happened that changed everything, and it still has a huge effect on me to this day.


Someone told me I couldn't do it.


To be honest, there were hundreds of good reasons why anyone who knew me then might have felt like Jason Franklin being a rapper was an extremely far fetched idea. Hip-Hop in the late 90's in New York was nothing like it is now. Most of the well know successful rappers were street guys and, while I did grow up in South Jamaica, Queens, I was far from a street guy. I was also a baptized Jehovah's Witness. There were no gritty tales of 'hood living in any of my lyrics, even though I lived in the same area that gave rise to some of the greatest rappers that have ever touched a mic. South Jamaica was a rough part of town, but my parents (and my, then, religious affiliation) kept me outside from all of the influences that inspired Hip-Hop back then. However, none of those reasons were behind why the person who told me I couldn't do it felt that way. And, being that it came from a girl that I was dating (and yes, trying to impress), it hit me like a ton of bricks. She simply said: "You're just not talented enough."


I was stunned. I thought I was good, really good. I thought she thought I was good. I thought she would push me, support me, be there with me when I signed my deal, when I bought my first brand new car, house, etc. I had seen all of this in my head, had talked with my boys about it, had written and rapped about it. And now my inspiration, my muse (at the time) was telling me she didn't believe in my abilities, that I didn't have what it took to rap, let alone be successful at it. I don't know if she saw it but at that exact moment, everything within me shattered. I didn't know it at the time but, everything about who I was began to fracture at that point as well. My relationship with the girl would soon be over along with the one I had with one of my best friends (1+1+1-1=?). Shortly after that I fell out with my religion. My parents left New York and moved to South Carolina while I tried to stay afloat on my own for as long as I could. I never thought about leaving New York and I kept writing, filling multiple books with rhymes, songs, poems and short stories. I started working on a novel. I felt the need to get back with the Jehovah's Witnesses, mainly because I missed my friends and family that I couldn't associate with if I wasn't in good standing. But it didn't fit who I was becoming.


I later left New York to stay with my parents for what was never supposed to be a permanent move. I had this chip on my shoulder that came through in some of the songs I had begun to formulate and soon, my desire to record them started to come out. I sought out some local producers who'd be willing to work with me on what was essentially a $0 budget. Soon enough I came across a local collective of producers and a local MC/ spoken word artist who had heard me perform at an open mic. They asked if I was interested in working with them on some music (OF COURSE I WAS!!!!!) and seeing where we could take it. Long story short, I ended up becoming a part of their collective, recorded a full length mixtape with them and eventually a solo project. From there, I honed my writing skills and evolved into a spoken word artist, self published my first book Soul Therapy: a collection of works inspired by the life of Max Lit (which you can purchase here) and I am working on starting my own publishing company.


Remember that chip on my shoulder that I mentioned earlier? It pushed me to keep writing and to pursue recording my music. When I left New York, I was angry at the way I had lost those relationships with the girl and my friend. Everything that I did was motivated by, not just the anger I felt but by fear as well. Fear of what?


The fear that maybe the girl was right!!!!!


Like I said at the beginning of this post, I never thought I was going to be a famous rapper. I know now, almost 20 years later, that I didn't even want to be anyone famous. I wanted to record my music, make an album and share my work with anyone who would listen. I had a lot to say. But I remember, while spending late nights recording and maybe drinking way too much, the fear of what was said to me always being in the back of my mind. And every time a new song was recorded and mixed down, her words would reverberate in my head. "You can't do it, you're not talented enough." I found myself editing my work and rewriting songs because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I was a talented enough writer. Meanwhile, doors were opening up that I didn't even know about and the Universe was conspiring to help me see what my true purpose was.


Ok, so why tell you that long ass story? Well, if for no other reason, to explain the concept of being afraid that what negative people tell you about your goals and aspirations is true. More often than not, the person(s) who tells you that you can't do something isn't an expert in the field you are pursuing. Other times, they are people who haven't accomplished anything at all. They are usually people who may have dreams and aspirations, too, but they've either let the fear of can't keep them from reaching their goals or they've given up on them for any number of reason. Some still have no aspirations at all and are comfortable with going through the motions of life, while others have actually let people convince them that they can't do what they have set out to do. These individuals, or anyone else for that matter, telling YOU that you can't reach YOUR goals isn't them giving you constructive criticism. This isn't them having your best interests at heart, or trying to help you understand your limitations. This is them not wanting to see you succeed! This is them not thinking you can succeed. This is them having not believed in themselves enough to feel like they could have succeeded. This is them accepting mediocrity for themselves.


THIS IS NOT YOU!!!!!


Our goals and aspirations may not work out exactly the way we start out wanting them to. I started out wanting to be a rapper, which led me to exploring the world of spoken word and poetry. Now I can say I am a published author with the know how and means to further the goal of making a living as a writer. If I had listened to the girl who told me that I wasn't talented enough to be a rapper, the journey that has brought me to this point would have been halted right there. Who knows what I would be doing at this point. All I know is, my life would be totally different and I don't think I would be as fulfilled as I am now. Sure, I have much more work to do. But as each day passes, the point of me reaching my ultimate goal draws closer and closer. I just have to keep going.


AND SO DO YOU!


So, yes, let people tell you that you can't do it. There will be times when you may wonder, to yourself and out load, if those people are right, That's perfectly alright. But never let fear keep you from pushing on, from proving those who don't believe in you wrong. Use it as motivation, use it as the reason why you can't give up. Don't do it just to prove them wrong though. Do it to prove to yourself that you can reach the goals you have set. Do it so that when you look back, you can see everything that you've accomplished in spite of those who doubted you. It most definitely won't be easy, but I promise you, it will be worth it.


Do it because it is what you were meant to do!

My Thoughts after MLK Day, during Black History Month and on Super Bowl Sunday

(This blog was started the day after MLK Day...sorry for the delay...)


Peace and blessings to you all!

It has been a while since my last blog post, but there has not been a shortage of things to talk about. Ironically, with the birthday of one of the most recognized civil rights icons in American history being recently celebrated, I felt moved to share my thoughts.


It has not been a coincidence that, even with everything that has happened regarding the state of our country and Donald Trump being president, I haven't had much to say in my blog posts recently. I mean, what can be said that isn't already being said everyday by anyone who can speak, type, write, use sign language, etc? I find myself saying, multiple times, almost everyday that I can't believe he's actually the president. That's not naivete. It's actual disbelief. With all the talk of Barack Obama being a relative political newcomer, it's baffling to try and comprehend how, not a person like Trump could get elected but how TRUMP actually got elected. With every new scandal, every new allegation, resignation of a top official, outlandish remark, late night tweet, etc., I shake my head. I can't help but wonder what the reaction would have been if Obama acted as Trump is now. I am pretty certain there would have been some politicians trying to change some laws so that he could immediately be removed from office. Hell, they were trying to do that anyway and there wasn't anything like what we see going on now happening with him.


It speaks to where we are as a nation. It speaks to why Obama was "allowed" to be President. It speaks to why Martin Luther King Jr. was shot down and killed in Memphis, Tennessee on April 4th 1968. A man who preached non-violence and spoke of love and peace. An imperfect man, yes, but nonetheless a man of conviction; a man willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of those during his time and for those who would follow.


Martin Luther King wanted to make the world a better place. That was his dream, a dream he never got to see. I can't help but reference the Boondocks episode that depicted a world in which King was still alive. I tend to think that if  he was able to continue on with what he started, if other Black leaders and activists weren't killed for fighting for what they believed was right, then this world would be very different. I've mentioned in previous blog posts that I feel like the progress we have made in this country is less about equality and more about necessity. Or even inevitability. We don't live in a perfect society but I feel like the level of oppression that minorities still experience today is directly related to the white supremacist construct that, obviously, isn't going anywhere. It was designed to be permanent, to withstand any attempts to break it down. Martin Luther King Jr. was killed by that construct, not just at the hands of James Earl Ray. The number of unarmed Black men and women who have been killed by police and other non-minority citizens, with little to no accountability for the officers or people involved, are victims of that construct. Donald Trump becoming president is a direct result of that construct. The rules that are keeping him in office are in place due to the design of the construct. Martin Luther King's Jr.'s dream was to see that construct no longer be what shapes our nation. As we can see today, it not only shapes our nation, it is what some people feel makes our nation great.


Inclusion. Equality. Tolerance. Basic human compassion and decency. These are the things that currently are being deemed as unnecessary "political correctness". These are the ideals that people like Trump and his supporters feel are tearing apart the fabric of "this once great country". Trump's executive action to repeal pretty much all of the Obama era legislation is just him pandering to those who voted for him. The ironic thing is most of Trumps supporters, poor white Americans, are being adversely affected by these moves. But yet, they still support him, even though he has shown that he is not fit to lead this country. He never was. But the construct was built so that someone like him could take the highest seat in the country and affect laws that benefit him and those like him, the wealthy and elite. It's always going to be that way. It has to for this construct to survive.


As a Black American, I want to see a day when Dr. King's dream actually comes true. A large part of me doesn't see that as a reality. We live in a world where our differences make us who we are, for bad and for worse. The optimist in me would like to think there can be this one uniting event that can bring us to see the human in each other and help eradicate the hate that still exists in our society. But the realist in me is finishing this blog at the beginning of February, a month that is considered Black History Month but is also the shortest month of the year. I can't help but see the irony in that. Ican't help but see the irony in the fact that right after our first Black president spent 8 years in the White House, Donald Trump took his place. It feels like it was intentionally done to "right the ship" as it were, to do what seemed to be right and progressive just to turn around and go back to how things were, "how things are supposed to be".


I look at all the Black icons of our past, those here now and look forward to watching a generation of new icons take their rightful places in American history and I wonder: When will the dream be fulfilled? As I type these words, completing them on Super Bowl Sunday, I think about how Janet Jackson has been the scapegoat of that infamous "wardrobe malfunction" while the person who performed with her, Justin Timberlake, will be performing again during this year's halftime show. I think about how Colin Kaepernick, who once took a team to the Super Bowl, has essentially been blacklisted for his silent and peaceful protests against police brutality because he chose to kneel during the National Anthem. I think about the lengths that Donald Trump has gone to in his efforts to vilify those who chose to follow Kaepernick's lead, even making a tongue in cheek "warning" to players thinking about kneeling during the Super Bowl. I look at how the numbers of those deciding to kneel waned after Trump's "son's of bitches" comment toward protestors and I think about Dr. King's dream. I think about our history as Black people in this country and can't help but feel like the dream that King talked about will always give way to the nightmare that was his and still is our reality today.


So what can we do? I feel like it is important for us to use whatever avenues/ platforms that we have to speak out against the injustices that we see happening around us. One's form of activism isn't necessarily the cup of tea for another. We may not all agree on boycotting Netflix or not watching NFL games and the Super Bowl but we should respect each other's right to choose whatever way they decide to show their activism. Something could look small to one person but it could have a tremendous effect on those who choose that route. Others may feel more useful organizing or attending rallies and peaceful protests. Some may choose to use their art or other talents to express themselves and their displeasure with the current social climate that we find ourselves in. Whatever avenues we choose, the important thing is that we make the decision to act and then do. Support others that are using their platforms as often and as much as you can. Show the unity that we want to see in our society amongst those who share your our views and goals. And, above all else, don't forget the dreams of those that sacrificed their lives so that we could push their work forward and finish what they all started. If we can do that, we might make Dr. King's dream come true after all.