This is not the way I saw things turning out. Things were supposed to be much different than this. I am lost, not sure of the next step to take. I'm not even sure if I want to continue the story of this path I have chosen because all the characters are screwed up. There are people who I knew would still be here that are gone now. There are people that I thought were gone that have come back. I've made some decisions that I regret and own, and there are some decisions that I am not sure of. I am recognizing what actually is and was going on regarding the most difficult situation I am trying to overcome. I am struggling to admit the whole of what that was and is. Some days I can't believe it and other days I get so angry with myself for not seeing it for what it truly was, even as everyone around me repeatedly tried to get me to see it. Was I naive or just stupid? Did I cause all of this? Has it changed me for better or for worse?
These are the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis now. Those who know me personally know why. For those who don't know me personally, I'll put a little bit of it out there to give context to the rest of this post.
A relationship with someone I've known for about 15 years ended rather abruptly.
Those words were really hard to type. I'm still not ready to really speak about it fully in this forum but I touched on it slightly in my last post. For the past 15 years, the relationship I had with this person impacted every facet of my life. There were major ups and even more major downs. There were some major benefits to having this person in my life. I saw a future with this person. When that part of the relationship broke down for various reasons, I felt that I still needed this person in my life. I tried to make amends and, for the past two years, I really thought I was making some progress in salvaging at least a friendship.
But on the day I turned 39, the whole thing ended.
Almost daily, I find myself trying to understand the events that led up to the decisions I made that day regarding this relationship. The interesting thing is, for about three months prior, I had been seriously examining the role it played in the current trajectory my life was on and how that fit into my goals and plans for the future. My good friend Davelyn Hill, who is a Level II Reiki Practitioner and a spiritual midwife (look her up on Facebook here), held a Spiritual Movement session for me in an effort to help me identify and release any negative energy that I may have been holding onto. A few friends agreed to be a part of the session, speaking candidly and honestly about some of the things they had noticed with me overall and in regards to this relationship. It was very tough to see people I care deeply about, and who obviously cared about me, speak about such a sensitive topic for me. There was no bashing of the person, just honest dialogue and encouraging sentiment. The onus was really on me and what it was that I was trying to achieve moving forward.
There was also a Reiki session. Davelyn said that the particular ritual she did for me was for "clearing and removing blockages in the chakras and aura" and for "healing energy". At the time, I had a very limited knowledge about chakras, auras and spritual energy. I was open to anything that could help get me "unstuck" and help me move forward with the goals I had set out for myself. Davelyn told me it could help, so I agreed. The experience was...jarring, to say the least.
As far as the ritual, Davelyn placed some stones on different places on my body that represented select Chakra points as I laid on the floor with my eyes closed. Those that participated in the session were told to speak out loud the things they wanted to help remove from me and to act as if they were actually pulling these things away from me as they spoke. I can't remember all the things that were spoken but few of those things were self-doubt, guilt, addictions, fear, toxic relationships, etc. As the ritual went on, I began to see colors as my eyes were closed. First blue, then orange and then yellow. Then a swirl of black came in and image of a person formed, but just a shadow. The image started off seemingly far away but then it slowly came closer and closer. This repeated maybe 3 or 4 times while the colors changed a little bit, mainly remaining on either blue or purple.
Every time the image of this person started to move away, I could hear my own voice in my head saying "Don't go". At one point, I could hear my voice pleading with the image to stay. I could also hear the voices of the other participants still speaking on the things they wanted to be removed from me, but I couldn't hear their words. The image of the person was beginning to move further and further away and, at one point, the voice in my head stopped pleading for it to stay. I could hear my voice saying "Okay, okay. I release you. I am ready to move on and I wish for you the same." The voice may have said this 4 or 5 times. My heart rate sped up a little and I could feel anxiety coming over me. I remember being afraid that I might become overwhelmed with emotion right there on the floor or have a panic attack. The image kept moving further and further away until it was gone, disappearing in the same swirl of black that it appeared in just a few moments ago. The purple color vanished into a flash of white and the ritual was over.
Afterward, after everyone had left, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I felt empty. I had never experienced anything like that, at all. I was drained, in every sense of the word. A few people who weren't able to attend the session but knew what was planned asked how I was doing and, when I told them, suggested that I fill up on things that would bring positive energy to me. Work on some things that you've been putting off, be around people with good energy, etc. One friend told me if you don't fill up on positive things, that space can quickly be filled with the old or new negative energy.
So, I did my best to follow that advice. Over the next few months, I focused more on the energy that I was receiving into my space, the things that I really needed to work on (procrastination, time management, excessive drinking, better eating and exercise, recognizing toxicity in myself and others, etc.) and what role this relationship was going to play in my future.
From Sunday July 5th, to my birthday, Monday October 1st, little did I know, the Universe had already set in motion what I had manifested in that spiritual movement session. I wanted to let go off whatever it was that was holding me back but I wasn't really doing all that I could have and should have been doing to align myself with what I was saying I wanted. But you know what they say, if you speak it into existence, it will happen.
And it did!
What I have come to realize since this relationship came to an abrupt end is that the outcome really had nothing to do with this person. It had everything to do with me. I had to make some tough decisions if I wanted to release myself from the state of mind that I was allowing this relationship to keep me in. I had to admit and accept the role I played in the relationship being what it was at that point, but also admitting and accepting that the season for the both of us had long ago been over. I had tried to prolong it out of guilt for my actions years back, but also because I was stuck in the past and not ready to imagine a life completely without this person. But once I manifested that I wanted my life to move forward, that I wanted to put myself in a position to be successful and reach the goals I had set out for myself, the Universe listened and began to conspire.
I shared this because I am still progressing through the steps of releasing and moving forward. I feel like sharing is part of that. I am also learning how powerful our thoughts and manifestations really are. Along with that, I am learning how powerful our purposes are as well. When you surround yourself with people who are aligned with your purpose, and you are constantly at work at your purpose, nothing will stop it. Your own actions and decisions might delay it for a while, but the Universe will put things in motion, according to your manifestations. This will happen with or without your participation.
Change is never easy, especially when it comes to relationships that we have with people. It's even harder when you recognize what changes you have to make in yourself to fulfill your purpose. With that comes admitting to yourself that you've played a role in your own spiritual and energetic "paralysis", as it were. It isn't easy to accept that you've harboring toxic behavior, either your own or from others. Admitting that you can't make the hard decisions that would greatly increase your chances of fulfilling your purpose can be a serious gut check. But once you accept the change that is necessary, whether you facilitate it or someone else does, the Universe will see to it that your manifestations become reality.
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings". -Lao Tzu
And to the Universe, I say "Thank You", regardless of how painful this process has been.
