I'm over it.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm tired.
I'm fortunate.
I'm angry.
I'm fucking mad!
These were the feelings I was experiencing before the global pandemic of COVID-19 became a reality for us all instead of a rumor.
These were the feelings I was experiencing before I heard about what happened to Ahmaud Arbery. These were the same feelings I was still experiencing when I heard about Breonna Taylor.
When I heard about George Floyd though, I felt something initially that I hadn't felt in a long time.
I felt nothing.
At that point, I was already full of emotions on top of the emotions that just go along with everyday life for some of us. I didn't read anything regarding what I had heard. I didn't watch, and still have not watched, the video. I didn't feel anything because I had nothing left to feel.
I can't breathe.
They did it again!
I remember when Eric Garner was choked to death by New York City police on a Staten Island sidewalk on July 17th 2014. I remember feeling the same way then as I did when I heard about George Floyd. I remember thinking that nothing of significance was going to happen to the officers involved.
I eventually did read an article on what happened to George Floyd and I regretted it, initially. I began to feel the emotions that I had already been feeling, but now for the situation. Multiplied and intensified. I started trying to figure out where could I place these emotions because, frankly, I had no room for them. Mentally, spiritually, energetically or physically. Aside from adjusting to life amidst the pandemic, I had a lot of other things going on that came with their own levels of stress. But those feelings were there and they were bubbling forth and with every social media post I saw or article I read, those feelings grew stronger and stronger. I could no longer not feel what I was feeling. It was impossible.
They did it, AGAIN!
Then, a lot of things happened, again. Protests began, again. Donald Trump made several stupid and infuriating comments, again. Social media went crazy, again. The the riots happened, again. The fires began to burn, again. State and local government officials sounded off, again. Opinions were drawn, again. Conversations were had again. Celebrities spoke out, attended rallies, donated money, etc., again.
The question, 'And what, now?', was asked. Again.
The obligatory call for change was made, again. White people not knowing what to say or do because they didn't want to come across as racist happened, again. White people placing blame on the protesters, peaceful or otherwise, began again. The Colin Kaepernick situation came up, again. Black parents had to have discussions with their Black children, again, about how to act when confronted by police. More reports of police brutality came out again, notably, of two Black Atlanta police officers tasing a Black couple while they were in their car. The couple was taking photos and video of the protest happening around them while they sat in traffic on their way out to get food.
And finally, after all of the above happened as I was processing new old feelings about new old things happening, I decided to write a blog about it.
Again.
An older white woman commented in a virtual community gathering I recently attended that grief is cyclical. She said you never really stop grieving when a loved one dies or when some sort of tragedy happens. That is, if you grieve at all. When it comes to the assault on Black and Brown bodies in this country, that's cyclical as well. It evolves, as does racism. It adapts to the times, adapts to resistance. New tactics are employed, the rhetoric gets louder and the hate gets stronger. The overt existence of white privilege becomes outwardly clear to all, yet not all are willing to be honest about it. White people ask: "Well, what can we do?" and it is expected of Black people to educate them.
In 2020.
With information available in the palm of their hands.
At the touch their fingers.
And even at the sound of their voices.
At this point, I don't know what to tell a white person who asks what is it that they can do. I don't think I ever had an answer for that question. When a white person sees unarmed people of color getting shot down and choked out by police and civilians then later vilified in attempts to cover up and/or exonerate the guilty parties and has to ask what can they do, there is honestly nothing they can do. There is nothing anyone can do for them. Whether they have done so intentionally or not, they do not see that they are part of a problem. Not knowing is no longer an excuse. It's an identifying mark of those who choose to be ignorant.
This is America. This is what America has been since the Pilgrims came here and stole this land from it's indigenous inhabitants and called them Indians. This is what America has been since they pillaged African villages and took those inhabitants, packed them into the bottoms of ships, sailed back to this country and sold them like chattel. This is what America has been since they used us to fight their wars on domestic and foreign soil, only to treat us as less of a person at home. This is what America has been since it allowed the election of Barack Obama only to undue that mirage of progress eight years later by electing Donald Trump to chants of "Make America Great Again". This is the same America who whitewashes its own history so that it doesn't have to teach Black history.
So there are fires burning in multiple cities across this country. Stores are being looted, businesses have been destroyed. Curfews are being implemented. Donald Trump has said that he will deploy the military to certain cities if local and state government do not utilize the National Guard correctly in response to protests. City officials urge protesters to be better while some of those protesters are being fired upon and shot by police. White people are asking why, while Black people are being pushed well over the edge. The absence of evidence no longer is required to avoid justice when it comes to the killing of Black and Brown men, women and children. All society needs to hear is that the individual behind the gun either feared for their lives or wore a badge.
But all we hear, the people who look like me and the countless unarmed men, woman and children who have been gunned down by police, are excuses and empty rhetoric.
Again.
I Can't Breathe.
Again.
