The past few months have brought some significant changes to my life. Some of those changes I actively put into play and some came without warning, as a surprise. A few were long overdue and some I have not fully digested yet. While I won't go into detail about those changes, what I would like to dive into are the things that I have noticed that have not changed so much. I am sure you have noticed, too.
A few months ago, I posted an entry here, vowing to not allow the unravelling that I had experienced during that time to continue. I was determined to not let the things that were happening around me and around us to allow me to fall down the dark hole of seclusion and despair. Black lives were being extinguished, justice was not being served and people who looked like me were being vilified for speaking out about it. I must honestly admit that I have failed in that endeavor. I am still undone.
Some of that "undone-ness" is directly related to some of the unexpected changes that I mentioned in the beginning of this post. But most of it is related to the things around us that seem to be destined to remain the same. The racial divide in this country continues to grow and hard battle lines seem to have been drawn. While our nations first Black President comes to the end of his historic two terms in office, the political race for his successor has once again exposed this country for what it truly is, and has been since it's inception; a fraudulent democracy that is only for the people that move in elite circles and are not of color. It has seeped so far into our modern and everyday lives that when injustices are committed, small and great, acknowledging and speaking on these situations are met with ridicule and scorn. People on the "other" side of the divide speak of "complaining" and "whining". They speak of "entitlement" and "baiting". They flip the script. They are basically telling us to "get over it and ourselves" because it is not that important. We don't #matter as much as we think we do. They are telling us they don't care and don't care to even act like they do anymore.
The race to replace Barack Obama has been going on since he was inaugurated in 2008. Failure to unseat him in 2012 was viewed by many as a failure of our American exceptionalism. And now since he has reached his term limit, our country has seemingly turned to a person who has never been recognized in any type of positive light. He's made a joke of an already severely flawed political process and people have rallied around him, even though his message is based on nothing but posturing and bravado. And the American public is eating it up because he speaks of the things they feel they haven't been able to say because it isn't "politically correct these days" to spew hatred and bigotry. They love Donald Trump because he is not Barack Obama. He's as ignorant as they are, he is "one of them". And the other options aren't any much better for the most part.
We live in a time when people who have justifiably rallied together to preserve the lives of people who look like them are being marginalized. We live in a time when Beyonce gets called a "race baiter" for performing a song on one of the nation's biggest stages that reminds everyone what the last few years have been like for young Black males and women in our country. That Super Bowl performance reminded our country of a time when Black people scared them, when the Black Panthers reminded us of the power we had when we came together for a common cause. They vilified her like she did something wrong, like young Black men and women aren't being gunned down by police and others in the street. We say "#blacklivesmatter" or wear "I Can't Breathe" T-shirts and we get accused of reverse racism. They want us to forget Trayvon Martin, Mike Brown, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Feddie Gray, Walter Scott and the nine people that Dylan Roof killed in the Charleston Church shooting. They want us to forget the countless others that made and didn't make the news. They want us to forget how things were and how they never really changed. Shit, they want us to forget slavery, so why should we expect anything less, or anything more for that matter?
When I talk to white people who support Donald Trump, I am not surprised because of who those people are. They are the people who preface conversations based on race with "I'm not a racist, but..." or "I know you may not agree with my views on (said topic), but...". Others say things like "I was born and raised as a conservative, so...". I work with white police officers who feel like anyone who speaks out against police brutality is anti-police. I find myself trying to speak my mind but not violate company policy. I know that if these people read my blogs or heard my poetry and songs, they probably wouldn't speak to me. And I know that it has nothing to do with a difference of opinion. It would be because I am not the type of Black person they thought I was. And that would be their mistake, not based on anything else but ignorant perception.
I have been reading Ta-Nehisi Coates' Between the World and Me, an open letter to his son attempting to answer questions regarding how to live in this world in a Black body. It details some of the things he had to do to survive in his own Black body growing up in West Baltimore. It chronicles his time at Howard University and his professional experiences in his Black body. It is him trying to tell his son everything he needs to know to figure out how to live and be Black, in a world that is a bit different now than it was when the author was younger, but pretty much the same when it comes to us and our Black bodies. In the small portion of the book that I have read, it sort of pains me to know that this man really fears for his son. He recognizes that his son has a hope that he never had because the truth was always right in front of him. His son is living during a time where he has seen and heard the idea of change being real, to a certain extent. The father is trying to spare his son the disappointment of reality blindsiding him and crushing his spirit. He is just trying to prepare him for the reality of what our society is, it being the same as it has always been. It pains me because I have had similar conversations with younger men than myself and with others really close to me who had their "nigger moment" and it almost broke them. The truth hurts, especially when you knew it but didn't want to believe it.
So I am admittedly undone, with no real vision as to how I can put the pieces back together. I have relationships that have suffered due to that and some that have weathered the storm. I have projects that have stalled and others that will thrive due to the experiences that I have had during this time. I have goals that I know I must meet and things that I wanted to do at one time that I have had to push to the back burner. But the one thing I can honestly say that I have gained from all of this is a bit more clarity on my views of the world and the way people who don't look like me view me. I know now that I am not wrong or crazy to feel the way I do, to feel like as much as things seem to have changed and progressed that it is all a mirage. Because at the end of the day, we will still be viewed as undesirable niggers in a white dominated society by those in control. It is what it is, unfortunately. Maybe that is my first step to becoming whole again.
Well said!
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