One of the hardest things for me to do is except harsh criticism from people close to me. It's not that I ever think that these people are wrong; they're often very right. Self reflection can often be one of our toughest tasks. It's hard to admit when others see areas that you need to improve in, that they are right. You know why?
It's because you have to look in the "mirror" and admit you were wrong!
I'm not talking about opinions or what other people feel. I'm talking about cold, hard, facts! For instance, when an ex girlfriend told my fairly new roommate at the time that I was "a nice enough guy" but that I "just drank too much". When my roommate mentioned to me what was said, I got indignant.
"Who was she to tell another person that about me?" I asked myself. "I don't drink that much. How dare she!"
Almost four years later, you know what conclusion I came to? She was right.
About four or five months ago, my most recent ex girlfriend told me that I needed time to myself to "get my shit together". Guess what that was over, in part?
Yup! My drinking habit.
I used that as an example for two reasons. A) My drinking is probably one of the most criticized things in my life and B) it's one of the harshest realities that I have had to face about myself. I had to be honest and admit that not only was it true that I have a drinking problem, but that I had also began losing relationships over it. Even if that was only part of the issues in those relationships, it was still a fact.
I do have a drinking problem!
Being honest with oneself is hard for many of us, even over things that may not be as serious as alcoholism. I've looked at the trajectory of my personal life many times and had to admit that most of the struggles I have had has been due to me stubbornly holding onto my way of doing things. We all have to find ways to cope with things going on in our personal lives. Sometimes, though, how we choose to cope can lead to bigger issues.
I started drinking when I was 15 years old. Nothing crazy (not to say underage drinking isn't crazy, but just follow me), just a beer for the first time. I remember beer not being the best tasting thing I've ever had but it wasn't bad. I don't think I even tried liquor before I graduated high school. But once I turned 20 and then 21, I remember drinking quite a bit more.
Access was the thing with me. At the time, my parents didn't really drink. My dad was a recovering alcoholic so there was never any liquor, beer or wine in the house. But between the age of 20, 21, I got a job working at LaGuardia Airport in Queens, New York. The cargo office that I worked in was right next to one of the airport catering companies and a couple of the guys I worked with had some connections with a few people there. Every now and then we'd get "gifted" a couple of 30 gallon trash bags full of mini bottles of liquor. The liquor (and food at times) became available when an aircraft came "down the line" or at the end of its flight schedule for the day. Anything left on the aircraft couldn't go onto another aircraft so those items are technically "thrown out". The catering company workers would get first crack at whatever they wanted and some of that stuff made its way over to us. From that point on, I didn't have to buy any liquor for a little over two years (aside from buying stuff that I didn't have). And I only worked that job for about a year. I didn't know that was going to be the beginning of a 20 year battle with alcohol.
I lived in denial of a few things aside from the denial of being an alcoholic. There were things about myself that I didn't know. There were feelings I had about family issues that I was suppressing. I was in denial of my so-called spirituality. I didn't know I struggled with anxiety 'cus I was self medicating (I didn't even know that was a thing). I was searching for love 'cus I didn't acknowledge where it was missing in my life growing up. I drank when I was writing. I drank when I was hanging out. I drank before I got on stage to perform my poetry. I drank before, during and after sex 'cus I wasn't supposed to be having sex without being married. I rarely ever consciously drank for those reasons, but it eventually became an automatic thing. I didn't know I was creating a problem that had already consumed my father, one of my late grandmothers and others in my family.
In hindsight, I realize drinking was my way to deal with the things I couldn't process mentally. I've had some embarrassing moments where alcohol was involved. There are countless times where I don't remember much of anything after my first drink. There are times were I don't remember how I got home and times I can't believe I made it home. There may have been a wrecked car in the mix somewhere. I've brushed aside the concerned conversations from loved ones and close friends. I would drink before important events just to get through them or so that I could bring myself to go. I've lied about drinking when it was obvious that I was. I've argued with family trying to get me to not drive under the influence. I've promised people that I would stop drinking and I've promised myself that I would stop drinking. There was a time where my body seemingly told me that I was going to die and I vowed to give it up. 30 days later when I was no longer scared to drink I started back up, making excuses along the way.
I know I lost at least one relationship, in part, due to my alcohol use. Maybe all the other relationships fell apart for the same reason. You know what they say: "When everyone around you is telling you the same thing, they can't all be wrong". Everyone around me was right. I was beginning to believe them, even though I hated to hear it from some of them. But by that point, it was too late. Alcohol had a hold on me to the point where I was drinking even when I didn't want to, even when I knew I shouldn't have been. It was no longer a thing I was doing to have fun or calm down or just because.
It had become something I had to do...to survive.
In October of last year, I got my first ever DUI. I got booked but I was released just a few hours later without having to post bond. The Universe was definitely looking out for me there. In February of this year, with the COVID-19 pandemic raging, I hit that rock bottom that I had heard about so many times from other alcoholics and those who were going through some form of addiction. It was the second time within a year. The first time was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I convinced myself that all I had to do was just get through it and I would be ok. I got through it, barely. But the second one was much, much worse and it almost took me out, literally. So much was happening. Feelings that I never knew I would experience jumped on me and didn't let go. The alcohol stopped working. Another failed relationship left me feeling abandoned and alone for really the first time in my life. I had lost my job of 7 years at the beginning of the pandemic. I prayed for the first time in years...to not wake up. The next morning I was afraid to leave the house because I was afraid that I would do something that would keep me from making it back home. I had to go out for an appointment though, so I talked with a friend during that time. When I made it back to my apartment, I talked to my roommate. I was scared again. I cried. I asked for help.
I attended a few AA meetings and they were helpful but not enough. I made an appointment at an outpatient recovery center but on the day of the appointment, I allowed a friend who needed my help to be the excuse that made me blow it off. I was still drinking and still sinking deeper and deeper into this new depression. Eventually, I realized I needed to do more so I made the step and went back to the recovery center. Almost 3 months in, it's beginning to take hold and sobriety is beginning to look real. My anxiety even leveled off a bit. I've had some ups and downs and getting to this point hasn't been pretty, but it seems that I've turned a corner recently. Things are starting to look and feel different. I also know now, this is just the beginning of the rest of my life.
I decided to share this as a part of my recovery. I also shared this because even though I have some strong feelings about how a few things have transpired in my past relationships, especially the most recent one, I would not be in the place that I am now if those things hadn't happened. I've dealt with resentment towards that person but I've also felt an immense amount of gratitude towards them as well. I appreciate my roommate agreeing to be sort of an accountability partner for me and others who have witnessed my struggles and are continuing to give me grace.
I've decided to share this for another reason as well. Going through this recovery period introduced me to counseling. I'd been considering it for the past few years but I never associated my alcoholism with a need for therapy. It took one individual session to realize the correlation between the two. It's the single best thing I have done for myself and I wish I had done it earlier in life. So many things that I didn't realize was impacting me led me to using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I had convinced myself that I just liked to drink, and that was true. I also got used to lying to myself by telling myself I was ok even when I knew I was far from ok. Very far from it! Trauma from my childhood and my adult intimate relationships that I hadn't recognized was there was festering unresolved because I had normalized it. I didn't even know what that all meant.
Now, I do.
Now, I feel like I'm going to be ok.
Now, I don't feel like I am crazy.
Now, I know it is ok to ask for help and that asking for it is not a sign of weakness but actually a sign of strength and courage.
And even though those people that pointed out my faults were right about my alcoholism, that is not the sum of who I am.
It's just something I am dealing with.
And I am grateful for finally deciding to take control of my life.
(side note: If you are reading this and are experiencing any sort of addiction or going through some tough times, talk to someone you trust. Consider some sort of therapy. If you don't feel like you are ok, don't overlook it. Don't normalize it. If you have experienced suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.)
No comments:
Post a Comment